I want to tell you that I just had my two-year anniversary last weekend. Boy, it was a little bit of a tough time! I won't go into details, but we find ourselves unsure of the future as before. This is difficult for me. There have been so many times that I have wanted to really go for it, and pursue this life with him. For me though, I can barely hold on sometimes, being away, not connected to people day after day. It makes me sad just to think about it. I know it's February, and February can be a hard month sometimes because of the weather, so I'm trying to keep that in mind too.
So you are thinking, "What's the problem? Isn't everything great together?" I come up with the answer that yes, everything is great. We are working hard not to rely too much on each other, not to see each other more than a couple times in a week, to accept that we don't share the same view on most anything, and we are patient through the misunderstandings and the cultural differences.
He said the other day that he is a simple person, and doesn't desire to think too deeply about many things. I thought I wanted to be a simple person who doesn't desire to think too deeply about many things too. But there are things that linger in my life that don't let me go. Why do these things begin to turn my hairs gray?
And so if I stay, he will not, in all likelihood be joining me in Nagano. And if I come home, he will not be joining me. Of that, I am pretty sure. He worries about me and will help me as long as I am here, around Kumamoto. Jeez, I don't want him to worry about me. That's like someone staying around because they are scared something bad will happen if they leave. That means that he doesn't stay because he wants to, but because of me, my inability to take care of myself. I don't like that.
But boy, we do love each other. You build up a habit of caring for and about a person day after day, and this habit of caring is such a wonderful thing. I wish I could feel this kind of caring for all the people I know. But it takes a lot of time and effort and upkeep that I don't know how to care for everyone I meet in this way. It sure would be a nicer world over here in this neighborhood if I could figure that one out.
I suppose I'm afraid I'll forget how to take care of someone because really, I learned a lot about that from him. Being around him, hanging out with his family, who are so respectful of each other, eating meals together, he is naturally kind and relaxed. Especially those things that are really hard for me: being punctual, not taking certain things too seriously, and keeping from getting too dark from time to time, he helps me with, without even knowing. He does not have these issues, so they tend to disappear for me when I'm around him.
What do I possibly do for him? Teach him English? Cook him food sometimes which doesn't taste half as good as what his family's food tastes like? Provide stress relief? I don't know about that. Recently he's been saying I bring stress to him. It's true. Sometimes, I just feel unsettled, and I tend to bring it up, and it causes stress whenever I do that. So then I don't know what to so with the unsettled feelings.
I'll give you an example of this. The most recent time was around the anniversary. As you may know, Valentines Day here is a day where women give stuff to men. And our anniversary is just after that. Well, I thought that the anniversary was more meaningful than Valentine's Day, and so I told him that I wanted to make the anniversary more special, and would he be okay if Valentine's Day was just a small thing? He said okay. What he actually interpreted that to mean was that I was going to do something for the anniversary instead of Valentine's Day, and that he shouldn't plan anything. It all played out and I did this thing, made a big plan for the anniversary, a small but nice plan for Valentine's Day, and when it was all finished, I had this sinking feeling. I sat down on the bed and turned dark inside. He notices this. He doesn't miss it, and he always stops what he is doing to care for me.
Why I turned dark is because I had this feeling that he hadn't done anything, put any thought into our anniversary. At first, I thought maybe he was hiding some plan, but as time went on, it dawned on me that he hadn't planned anything. It hadn't been something he'd even thought to do something for. This, I couldn't understand. So, I got really sad while he was in the bathroom, and I sunk onto the bed. I wondered how this day could not be worth making a special plan for. I wondered if he thought our anniversary wasn't a special day.
I couldn't talk for a little. That's usually how it goes. Thoughts really fly through my mind, most of them critical and negative, and so I can't speak. I know those thoughts are just destructive and reactive. So I have to wait and eventually I spoke. He thought that I had said that I wanted to do the planning for the anniversary, that I was going to do something for him in lieu of Valentine's. All he had wanted to do was to watch our anniversary movie, ~~ , together. That's all. How simple of him.
So, I felt really guilty for thinking that I should get something because I did something. Originally, that wasn't how I had thought about the situation at all. I was really happy to be able to do something really nice for the two of us. But at the end there, I suppose I did hope that he had something planned, for me, for us, whatever. And so I am guilty of that. But I was simply shocked that he really thought I wanted to plan the anniversary alone, all by myself. I mean, that doesn't make much sense, does it? I just wanted to surprise him with something nice, but I guess he felt left out and like he was uninvolved because of that.(?)
Well, so that was an example of an unsettled feeling. When I write it down like this, though, it seems kind of logical, and hopefully not self-righteous. See, the thing is, I care about him, almost more than I care about myself, if you can believe that. And so when we say things to each other that damage us, I get sooo sad. I start crying just saying something mean sometimes. Some of these habits I have are ingrained so deeply...
There's more, but I think this is enough for now. Somehow, I'm glad to have sat here and written this out. Somehow, I still feel unresolved. Well, that's okay. That's plenty for now. The longest post I've ever written.
I tell of my day-to-day experiences in a funky Japanese town from my American viewpoint. This blog could also be called 'Bizarro World', 'Notes From Kyushu, a Smaller Island', or 'Teaching English in Japan: Smash Your Ego in 10 Easy Lessons."
Friday, February 23, 2007
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12 comments:
Being married for almost 20 years (this summer), I can understand where the breakdown in communication happens from past experience. I know this will sound odd/funny but when you said "you" wanted to make the anniversary more special than Valentines Day, the first thing I thought was what he thought :-)
If there is one thing you must learn about us men is not to assume anything. We don't do well with telepathy. Spell it out. Trust me...you and he will benefit greatly.
I hope it all works out for you guys. I'm sure it will. You obviously have an emotional tie with him...which means you care. I bet he does too.
Wow! What beautiful thinking and writing!
You know, my concern is mostly not so much what comes of this relationship, but that you somehow get through this with most of the good stuff intact, whether to continue to share with this person, or in the event things comes apart in time, that you can make the shift of the emotions and true feeling over to some other worthy partner.
We all have times in our lives when emotional attachments are stronger or weaker; when you are your age, there is a strong urge to be with someone with a future to it. I think that's just how nature designed us (and it basically works).
You two do have much in common especially in a personal compatability way, and he is a delightful soul. But you have so much separate in background and social conditioning (although you have developed strong eastern ways about you, even before meeting him). A terribly big concern is that your connection to society there seems intricately bound to your attachment with him. I have thought that if you were more permanently bound to him, and he suddenly disappeared (to disabling injury, straying off to another person, or death (are these equivalent?)), that you would be pretty high and dry for finding the kind of support that is firmly provided by a common culture, language, and experience base (the kind where you are just understood, without explaining).
He is in a much stronger position in the relationship (I think), because he has all his resources in place (home, country, culture, friends, etc.), and you have very few. If the relationship were to come apart, he has those resources to draw on, to distract his sadness, and to move ahead. I do not think you have those reserves available there; they would be stronger if you were here. In a broad, general way, it seems he has less to lose than you, if it comes apart. This is a cause of concern.
It does not appear to me that he would want to live here in the U.S.; at most he might travel here frequently. But, in doing that, he would retain for himself the kind of secure base that you could not have if you remained there. Obviously, you chose to go there; he did not choose to come here; he did not choose to leave there. In this area of things, you are not in balance, and this imbalance, over a long time, will be hard to handle, and places you at underlying continuous risk.
Sometimes, though it sounds impossibly hard, the most love is given by letting the other person go (first physically, and by forcing it, emotionally) and living the life one needs to live, to be whole, and to get out from under intolerable strictures. Sometimes that letting go takes an active push by one person, which is accepted by the other, to remove or at least soften the long lingering doubt as to whether it is (was) the right thing to do. If you both push in the same direction it can help to assure that it's the right thing to do, and make you both feel sad, but fundamentally content that you did right by each other (or at least tried your best).
It's a great pleasure to know you.
Love - Dad
To sirdar first... I appreciate that. And I can also see how my words could be interpreted in a different way too. Although I'm no expert in telepathy, I certainly try to get him (and other people) to read my thoughts to no avail. Being clear and direct and honest is such hard work though. I mean, it brings a lot of wonderful things, but it's difficult!
And--20 years! Man...! that makes me jealous... ooo...! How do you guys manage if your communication starts getting shaky?
To Dad,
Thanks for letting me post this. I edited only slightly, because I don't think you would want me to put your Swiss bank account pin where everyone could see. Oh, and I took off the location of the family jewels, too.
Seriously though, I'm pretty much with you. I mean, we have great compatibility, and we really support and care for one another, but it's lopsided with me being out here, with limitations, as you noted.
We've talked a lot about this, about what can be done, and we always seem to come to the conclusion that, while remaining open to the future, there is a clear possibility that we'll have to give each other up. I think that is almost the same as dying to each other.
So, I was thinking that either way, I would like to make the most of the time we have together. That's what I meant when I wrote my new year's resolution to be the best girlfriend I can imagine to be. If he might "die" to me, why would I not hold this time as precious?
You brought up some other points and I wanna write some more, but it's bed time now, so I'll go ahead and publish and finish up later. *Smile* and sighhhh...
Jet, you know I am a simple person as well. Although, there is a time and a place for everything and maybe he lacks that understanding. maybe you can help him to know the difference and maybe not. Hopefully you can find some common ground for that understanding to prosper into something beautiful because you are in fact something beautiful and must be nurtured and cared for as such.
I am sorry he missed the point of the evening and don't feel self-righteous because it wasn't and isn't your place or job to even consider such a thing....
If I am out of line I know you will tell me, but I feel very strongly about this and hope for you only the best.
Later jettie.....
Julie,
Hi. Sometimes the best one can do is let another know you're available for them; you can't necessarily give them answers or fix their "problems." That's some of how I feel re: this. Just wanted to let you know.
Although not inclusive of every aspect, I do suspect that there are abundant other parts of you in there...
Love,
Uncle Larry
(Apologies if I'm sending this twice - Mr. Technology)
Know how much your blog is appreciated. At first I was dutiful, but now I eagerly check it often. Watching you learn about the amazingly different (from our) world that you live in is inspiring. You're really brave and don't know it; I admire you greatly for it.
Know that even if your sweetie was American and you both lived here, the same sorts of things would happen. There's somehow a major communication gap between men and women and the sort of thing that happened around your anniversary happens just the same in this country.
The Camera put out an article around valentines day that might still be on line, called He Said --She Said. It's an eye opener and really helpful in learning to communicate with the opposite sex. Look it up if you can. Mean while, I hope that things are sorted out and better. Have more faith in you, know that if it IS to be, it will. For you both I wish great happiness and hope that you find it together.
Hugs to You and warm thoughts of spring.
Susan
Oh, and keep trying on the cooking angle. Cooking ANYwhere is tricky to learn. It just takes time and practice to get it under control. Most importantly, don't compare what you can do in the kitchen to what his Mom can do. Know that what you cook has the magic ingredient of love. He's probably proud that you're trying to cook for him in the first place.
Also, would his Mom be willing to teach you how she does it? I suspect that would make all parties happy.
How do people learn to cook in Japan?
Susan
Blu,
As long as you're honest and you take care in what you write, nothing you say is out of line. In fact, I thank you for your light-heartedness. It's a good reminder not to take things too seriously.
And the Valentine's thing was just one thing--just a misunderstanding, you know... I guess it's more that I have to make some decisions about what I want to do soon, and it's scary and having misunderstandings doesn't help with that.
Uncle Larry,
Your support is always noted and appreciated. That in itself does help, so we both believe.
Susan,
Hearing your words is really wonderful.
First of all, I'm glad to hear you are interested in reading what I'm writing about, and that you have grown to like it, rather than feel as if it's something you are obliged to read.
Secondly, I'm hearing and absorbing what you say about relationships between men and women having similar challenges regardless of where we are. I'm thinking about that now. Also, I searched for the page of "He Said--She Said," but I couldn't find it. Can you help me get there?
Next, thanks for the cooking thoughts. I really do a lot of exploring in the super markets, and I just recently got another cookbook in English on Japanese food.
And yes, I have asked his mom and sis to show me how to cook. For some reason, they are hesitant... but they have showed me a couple of things, from how to devein shrimp with a toothpick, to how to make croquettes, etc. I take pictures of meals sometimes so I can remember how they arrange things because it's so pretty sometimes. I keep waiting to learn how to pickle daikons, or make seafood curry without meat in the sauce...
I think people(mostly women) learn from their mothers. Really.
This response has been great. Please comment if you have something you'd like to say.
Julie,
I agree with Dad, this post is beautifully written and thought out. Reading it quickly stirs up many things I've been feeling lately too, and I'm not sure how much to write back. It seems that life is many things, and one of them is a series of choices that feel tremendously huge at the time that you have to make them. But you still have to make them, or passively let them get made for you, and I don't know if it ever gets any easier taking either route. And no sooner do you get through one than the next one forms on the horizon.
We talk a lot, so you know what's going on with me. Sometimes it seems unfair and overwhelming that we have to go through a life that's so hard. It must be morally wrong that our lives can so often be filled with pain and confusion. But morality has nothing to do with it, and when I think back on how many times I have come to one of these times, and I know there have been many that I thought were unbearably significant, I can barely remember most of them. Naturally, the last one, though fading, is still pretty darn lucid. :)
Anyway, I could comment on so much more of what you wrote, but for now I'll just add that I know exactly what you mean about being with someone reminds you that life shouldn't be taken too seriously. It's one of the most wonderful feelings I know. I hope that we both find someone who gives us that feeling in the end.
Love, jay
Thanks Jay,
It does seem like every choice that comes up, when the outcomes really, really seems to matter, ends up being just another step to a new place and a new decision.
I would have to say that I think making the decision, as opposed to letting it be made for you, makes life get easier in the longer term. If you make the choice, even if it doesn't turn out as you'd planned in your head, you can at least know that you had chosen something, that you weren't being lazy or too slow, or indifferent.
And I think the more you choose what you would like, the easier it gets to make choices in the future, even if the choice leads to a negative result--at least you can still learn from that.
You and I know that it _is_ hard to decide what matters. But can you imagine if we decided??
I want to choose a good way to go, so I'm going to give it my best shot, and when the time comes, have some faith in my choice. I know when it comes down to it, you will be doing the same thing. In that way, I hope we both get to live the dreams that teeter on that horizon.
love you
Jod,
Well, I suppose if I'm really honest with what's going on, then other people can see that and seem to respond to that. When I was a little younger, I didn't always know how or when to say what I was honestly thinking or feeling, and here in Japanese society, where there is an emphasis on the outer appearance versus the inner experience, it can be especially tricky.
Overall though, it's relieving to be able to express what's going on on the inside, and also to have it accepted wholeheartedly from the people who have responded.
I don't expect the future to be easy, but that being said, I don't expect it to be difficult either!! Just take things as they come, right?
Thanks for all the kind words, really, it's so nice of you to say those things. I think I got shut out of your blog or something. So I'll call you soon and you can tell me what's been up and how to get back in. I gotta go take a shower and a bath! YAY!! love ya
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