I had really wanted to go to practice tonight in the city, but I feel terrible. To clarify, there's nothing wrong with me physically. I had wanted to go, I'd had enough time to get there, but I just couldn't bring myself to get in the car and go somehow. The same thing happened last Friday, which makes me feel worse. Friday's Aikido class is really the only day we have enough time to break things down and work on forms and other things slowly, as well as goof around and have fun with each other after class. I feel so sad that I am sitting here now and not over there. What a sucky sort of thing to say, that I'd rather be somewhere other than where I am. Can we ever find happiness by saying such things?
And what am I doing instead of being there? Nothing. I've just been sitting on my bed, staring at nothing. I decided to go to sleep at 7pm. If I had left then, I could've done class. But I went to sleep and woke up groggy and tired. It reeks of depression. I find this embarrasing to write about, especially because I feel I could have prevented it. I've been feeling occasionally understimulated and sad since my friend left a week and a half ago and my family left about 3 weeks ago. (The two packages of crackers and juice for dinner certainly didn't help my mood either, but...) Somehow, I didn't move fast or skilfully enough tonight, and I let my feelings of apathy overtake the power of action. If I had caught on to what was happening sooner I'd have forced myself out of the house and I would've probably been fine.
So, the only thing I could think to do that I thought would help was to write all this down here. And somehow, it does seem to be making me feel better. I think I'll do something to take care of myself now, go for a walk or go get some different food. I suppose I just needed a little perspective. Situations such as these, where I need a rope, are becoming rarer. Maybe if I save up all those ropes I'll have one to throw in case someone else needs one. Maybe Regis will call me.
By the way, I have a few days left to finish up '30 days early,' and I want to be sure to do that properly.
I'll begin again on Monday, and finish up June with minutes to spare!!
I tell of my day-to-day experiences in a funky Japanese town from my American viewpoint. This blog could also be called 'Bizarro World', 'Notes From Kyushu, a Smaller Island', or 'Teaching English in Japan: Smash Your Ego in 10 Easy Lessons."
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8 comments:
Somehow no one ever seems to understand the fine art of rescuing oneself from a dive, be it just a general unhappiness or a really deep pain of the heart. What no one ever really told us is that you're throwing that rope around a big branch called hope to pull yourself up. So know that it can be done, but don't worry yourself by thinking about how. I think I'd be really worried about a person who was perpetually and only happy in this world. I hope for you that your down-time passes quickly.
HI Julie - I know what down times are like too. But...this is our BD month, girl, so let's try to get those spirits up where we like them to be most of the time! You seem to be pretty good at pulling yourself up when necessary.
Mamacher
I hope you are well. I have been so busy. Sometimes a break can be the simplest little fix to make you see your way.....Anyway, later...
I read your blog with great interest. I also practiced aikido with sakabe sensei. It was nice to see him on a picture. I would like to sent him a message. Since I live in the Netherlands and I don't have his address(nor speak or write Japanese) I am not able to deliver or sent it personally. Could you deliver a message to him?
Greetings RDL
Hi RDL,
Wow, thanks for. As you can see I've slowed down in writing in the past few months, but I came up with a new project I'm gearing up for, so I should be back at it soon.
You know, Sakabe Sensei certainly must have mentioned you. Are you a vegetarian? Of course, I'd like help you get a message to him. Do you have a blog or an address I can reach you at?
By the way, you don't have to join Blogger to post a comment if you don't want to. You can check 'Anonymous' and sign the post with any name you like.
jetblossom
Hi Julie
Thanks for your reply.
What is the safest way to exchange email addresses? Because I don’t have a blog.
Greetings RDL
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