Friday night I had planned to go dancing with some friends in Fukuoka City(a.k.a., the 'big city'). Unfortunately, my friends canceled at the last minute.
I was all dressed up with no place to go, so I called another friend. He was at a birthday party in Kumamoto City(the 'not-as-big city'), and he invited me to join it. I headed to the train station, and arrived as the last train pulled off. I arrived exactly one minute too late. 'I'm sorry!' I told my friend, and I set off to find some other entertainment for the evening.
I drove. I briefly considered going to karaoke by myself. I drove on.
I got gas(Hai, Hai, Hai, OKKKAAAAAYYY!!!!! Julie-sama! Oh, Exalted Julie! We are here to serve all your petroleum needs. Let us wipe your windows. Shall we empty your ash tray? Oh, you don't smoke? We don't care, we will ask you every time! Thank you for letting three strapping young men serve you today!!!).
I drove to an amusement center. I didn't go inside. Amusement centers are amusing if you are with people. Amusement centers are not amusing if you are watching people amuse themselves.
There's such a dichotomy--we live inside our body and our mind; we can't go outside those things. But somehow we think we are not alone if we are with others.
I drove for a long time, feeling the pangs of loneliness. I think I feel lonely when I think I should be with others. For example, if I have to go to the market or the laundromat, I don't feel lonely, but when I intend to spend time with others and I can't, I feel lonely. I guess I could stop intending to spend time with others. Pretty difficult.
I drove for about an hour and a half, aimlessly. I ended up doing nothing. Eventually, I went home and went to bed.
I tell of my day-to-day experiences in a funky Japanese town from my American viewpoint. This blog could also be called 'Bizarro World', 'Notes From Kyushu, a Smaller Island', or 'Teaching English in Japan: Smash Your Ego in 10 Easy Lessons."
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
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4 comments:
sorry, don't know if you want comments, but its a blog thing, right. awkward...
Being lonely is a horrible feeling, especially in a madly populated place like Japan. I found that even when I was with people, I could feel terribly lonely because I would compare my experiences with my friends in the US with how I spent times with my friends in Japan, which made Japan look pretty awful. There just didn't seem to be much friend bonding action in sitting around with arrows, but when I look back on everything now, somehow all that sitting resulted in people who e-mail me and who cared enough to walk through a typhoon to get me pizza. switching gears back to lonliness (happy topic, not!), it's sooooo painful when people cancel on you, which I had happen and it almost made me cry at school, but then the friend was really sorry and went out with me later and we had a great time. Also, if you end up alone, do something, really. I was complaining to this girl that I wanted to see a movie and no one would go with me, not even my host mom, and she just said "I go to movies by myself, go to a movie by yourself" like I was an idiot. Another random thing, which may not even be an issue, but don't wait for people to find you, it took 10 months for anyone to have the remotest interest in me, and I regret not being more social. maybe you've already got this covered, dunno. oh, the taiko game at the amusement centers rox! good luck and don't let being lonely get you down, Japan just kinda has that on-your-own vibe that's hard to shake, at least it was for me...
Hey, I appreciate those thoughts. Yeah, it was especially hard that night because I hadn't spent time with friends all week and then they had to cancel. It's the expectation of company and then the let down that's the killer.
As a side note, last night I actually did go and play the Taiko drumming game by myself. I can enjoy that game whether I'm by myself or with other people. So if I can find a way to focus my mind on something, like you mentioned, I'm not lonely.
Oh, and yes, I want comments. That's a good thing about blogs, they're somewhat interactive. If I didn't want the public to respond, I could just keep a private journal, right?
Julie - we've all experienced that...
Just want to let you know that you're heard.
Thanks Uncle Larry.
It helps to know for the next time. If everyone's gone through it, then logically it will always come to an end.
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