Warped greetings

Currently, in PA of the US of A, in the upstairs bedroom of my mother's house, all is well. The body's readjusting and I feel tired and out-of-it. Hard to imagine where I was yesterday, and how the world here and the world there can exist at the same time. The price that is paid to travel around the world is the feeling of having been warped, and bits and pieces have been left behind, which only catch up to the rest gradually.

When I came home, I felt elated to see the road signs all in clear English letters. That had me feeling very happy. My mom and I went to a conveniece store, and once again, I remembered how different they are here from the ones I'm used to. No one greets you when you come in, and they don't have bento lunch-boxed meals, but hey, there's a great deli, so it almost balances out.

Nice to be back. Merry greetings!

A drink and a snack

Quite the weekend. Saturday began with a bit of shopping in Kumamoto's downtown walking mall. There are two main shopping streets, Shimotori and Kamitori, and from plastic food to fancy kimonos to discount Arita pottery to shops full of nothing but green tea, I never have much problem entertaining myself. Yesterday's shopping trip took me to Tsuruya, the two-building department store connected by a floating walkway. Tsuruya's famous around here; it's a really up-scale sort of store. There's Gucci, Louis Vuitton, and other such names I fill my closets with. Ha, ha, jk, I'm not turning Japanese that much!

Anyway, a highlight was a real live 'elevator girl'-- two -- actually. The elevator girls push the buttons for you and call out nice things, such as, 'Thank you for waiting. Third floor,' and, 'We're moving now, please hold on.' I was told by Hiro that they were very useful in the time when elevators were new in Japan, and few people actually knew how to use them. These particular elevator girls had fuchsia dresses, and dark purple hats with black bows on the front. They wore gloves. They were changing shifts when I got on, so when we got to the bottom floor, the one steps out, and like clockwork the other steps in, they both bow and apologize for the wait(of which there was none at all), and off we went. And a pleasant trip was had by all.

That was just the beginning of the weekend. Aikido was a smashing good time as usual, and practice was followed by the bonnenkai, or year-end drinking party. Last year, there were three or four other foreigners present, but this year I was the only one. Not that it mattered, really. With the aikido group, I rarely feel like an outsider.

Anyway, we had なべ, which says 'nabe,' or 'pot,' a kind of soup you make at the table yourself by adding ingredients to a large pot on a little burner. Most everyone drank beer, followed by shochu, the local firewater made from potatoes, mixed with hot water. Mostly men drink that drink here, and there were 14 men and two women(including me) at the party, an uncommon imbalance. Turned out this year our teacher, Honda Sensei, turned 70. So we celebrated the year end and his birthday.

After much drinking and festivities, half the group headed out, and the rest of us went out for a 'nijikai,' a second party. One of the older guys, who was the same age as my dad(you're still young, Dad!), chose a snack bar. I had heard a lot, I mean a whole lot about snack bars, but I had never been inside one. When I first came to Japan, I pictured a snack bar to be a place where I man could find a prostitute. But slowly, over time, my perspective has changed. I realized that the snack bar institution sort of took over for the geisha institutions when they dissappeared after the war. If a man wants to find a prostitute in Japan, I understand there are places where he can do that. But snacks, in general, I think are places men go to have conversations with women who will entertain them and flirt with them, and flatter them. Partly because I wanted to spend more time with the group, and partly because I was curious, I went along, and was welcomed.

When we went in, there was a couple at the bar on the right, the lady singing karaoke, and three snack girls at the counter. Right away, two of the girls sat us at the sofa which stretched around the left wall covered in dark red velvet and poured us drinks. There were 'snacks' on the table, fruit, cookies, candy, etc. I momentarily wondered if these were the snacks that the name 'snack' referred to. The girls served us whisky, then, they sat down next to us. It was very weird. The snack 'momma,' or owner, probably in her 60s, with her green hair tightly curled, also joined us, and danced around when we sang karaoke.

People here rarely sing karaoke in groups like we do in the US. They just aren't embarrased at all to belt out anything, no matter how skilled or unskilled they are, all by themselves. We each took turns. Hirata-san had a go at some song with the words 'Bounce with me' repeated over and over again Ochi-Sensei did a forced interpretation of Yesterday, and of course my heart nearly melted when Awesome Guy sang 'I Can't Help Falling in Love With You'(Elvis?) in deep bass tones. I sang 'Hello, Goodbye' by the Beatles and 'Sunday Morning' by Maroon 5, in English, and my favorite Japanese karaoke song, Jupiter, by someone someone in Japanese. My singing is not that of an angel, and yet, I got thunderous applause, thank you very much.

The girls(women, really, just normal-looking women in their 40s, maybe) made small talk, even with me. I looked around, and a girl had come out from the counter, sitting thigh to thigh with one of the guys, laughing. It all seemed very silly, but we were all having fun, and there didn't seem to be much sexual about the whole thing. Yet, I do think it gives me a deeper understanding into the Japanese, male, and human minds.

I have mixed feelings, but on the whole, I don't think there's much more to the snack bar thing than meets the eye. It headed towrds 3:00am, my friends waved the 3000yen(about $30) fee for me, but it wasn't over yet.

After the nijikai, Tanigawa-san and Awesome Guy and I went out for a sanjikai, a third party. They had yakitori, and I ate a tofu salad, and we talked about aikido, samurai, etiquette, O'Sensei, and the universe til about 5:00. I remember having the thought that there was nowhere in life I'd rather be then right there at that table.

Finally, I arrived in the hotel Hiro had booked(he had gone to a wedding ceremony that same night, so we got a hotel in the city so we both wouldn't have to worry about time), not even staggeringly drunk, and fell asleep dreaming of a white Christmas.

The real Sunday morning began, but I was somehow still dreaming...

RE: A cut and a flick

For crying out loud!! I wrote another nice blog and when I finished, what did I do? It was breezy, so I closed the window. Okay, I lied. It wasn't breezy, I just closed the window by accident and the writing disappeared into oblivion. I feel frustrated when that happens, which goes to show that it's really good to be lighthearted and not take things too, too seriously.

...

and the tide shifts. I'd now just finished retyping most of it when I discovered the one I thought I'd lost sitting in my drafts. I suppose I'd saved it after all...

ha, ha, it was just a test for me

and now for the original-- A cut and a flick:

A cut and a flick

So what do you get when you go to a hairdresser in Japan? Well, the answer in this case is that you get a haircut and some Miyazaki anime movies. Usually I like to go to that place where they massage your head and two people blowdry your hair at one time, but this time I went to a budget place. There, a nice guy named Hayashi, who had taken two years of English lessons at NOVA English School, made pleasant chatter as I blushed at having an attractive man cut my hair. The last time a nice-looking guy cut my hair I was about 10, and it was my dad.

Hayashi-san likes pachinko, and his other hobby is watching movies. We talked about the Miyazaki anime movies. He's a big fan of Miyazaki(Princess Mononoke, Howl's Moving Castle, etc.), and I think I mentioned before that I've been going through one by one watching all the movies Miyazaki ever made, so he pulled a set off the wall and lent them to me to watch.

It was nice to relax while getting a haircut. Making small talk during a haircut can be so stressful if I can't find anything in common with the hairdresser.

Anyway, most of the bulk of my hair was razored off tonight. The longest part is still there, though. It hasn't been cut since I came here, and it's nearly down to my belly button now when it hangs down my back.

Wintery Wishes

The newsy news is: I'm going home for the holidays! Thanks to Mom, I'll be spending the darkest part of winter in the warmth and cheer of friends and family. I'll leave on the 21st for two weeks in the good ol' US of A. I wish you all receive your winter wishes and give just as deeply as you wish.

In other news, it was like a springy spring day today, and I went shopping, yippeee!! Had okonomiyaki for dinny din, and now it's cold again. It's hard to write when I'm feeling cold, so I guess that's why I haven't been doing so much recently. But it's a poor excuse, so I shall forge ahead!!

Stylin'

I'm going to keep this short and sweet. My last two posts went to the place where posts go when computers crash. I was fond of those posts, so this post is just a Johnny-come-lately.

Aikido tonight was great. I should say, I've come off of hiatus from Aikido, now that my big Japanese language test is over. Being back after a few weeks off seems, in retrospect after tonight, to have been good for me. I feel refreshed, refocused, and at this point in time, energetic. Exercise is unlike other fuels in that using the energy within oneself to exercise, it actually gives one more capacity for energy. Could you imagine if every time we used gas in our car, it would refill itself until it overflowed? Well, anyway, it's good to have returned.

There's other news, but I don't want to make this post too long because then it'll go ahead and crash. I think it was just cause I was trying to put a video up on here.

I apologize for living in the stone age of computers where blogs don't have flashing lights, music, cool changing colored backgrounds, free giveaways in 3-D. See, when I'm no longer in Japan, I'll figure all this stuff out, and wished I'd learned it back then... uh... now. Until that time, it's SimpleSimonStyleTM.

Duty

The other day I was walking to the post office and I saw a student standing next to her friend's car at the gas station. I recognized her from one of my 12th grade classes, and smiled. She spotted me, and from the distance I could see her eyes widen, and, rather than greet me, which is a student's duty in or outside of school, or ignore me, which she might have gotten away with, she did something totally different, that almost shocked me.

Now my duty, as a teacher, was to report her behavior to her homeroom teacher, which I did. She knew it was unexcusable. In my own mind, however, she'd basically shot herself in the foot by not saying hello.

This brings me to the same few days ago, when I quit doing 'greeting.' In Japan, it is customary to greet your coworkers in the morning all at once, exclaiming 'Good morning!!' as you step in the door. Customarily, everyone shouts back 'Good morning!!' and we go about our merry ways. The same goes when leaving. I shout something like 'See you! Keep up the good work!!' and everyone shouts, 'Good work, bye!!' in response. But I noticed that the response from coworkers differs depending on who comes in or goes out the door. Everyone responds to the principle. The lady who comes and sells juice and biscuits rarely gets a response.

As for me, I've greeted in many ways, loudly, cheerfully, in a focused way, in a general way, and yet scarcely does my greeting generate a healthy response. The whole thing has never felt natural to me, and sometimes it shoots a hole in my self-esteem.

Well, enough with that. It's a very wonderful custom and all, but in my country, we don't have such a custom, and I am not bound to do it. I'll greet when I feel like greeting.

But the student at the gas station was bound to the school's policy to say hello to a teacher. Her skirt was pulled up short(trying to _find_ herself, I suppose), and I'd bet she was scared, so what did she do, she turned, ran away, and hid behind her friend's car! She ran and hid as if I didn't see her standing right there in front of me!! (I once saw a girl from my school get balled out at in the train station by one of the teachers in front of everyone because she was wearing earrings). I didn't really care about her skirt, but when she ran and hid I was offended, because it was rude.

You tell me, for someone like me, where does doing one's 'duty' apply? When I _feel like_ doing it?

Bloom

Okay, so I'm proud of myself. I discovered two dreams.

The first, is to live in a place surrounded by lots of nature -- forests, beaches, whatever nature will do, but lots of it.

The second dream is to wake up with the sun shining on my face in the morning, every possible morning.






Both of these dreams are of things I used to have, but no longer have. How does one go about finding dreams of things one never knew existed?

...how do I know my own life dream?

The Power of Short Skirts?

Short skirts. Blonde hair. Stilettos. False eyelashes. These are the images that come to mind when I recall the past few days. Yes, that's right. I went shopping.

In Fukuoka especially, there are made-up young women with tiny shorts and skirts and big hair everywhere. I suppose they are trying to look sexy or cute or pretty. I mean, they certainly go all out with some goal in mind. It seems like one can only be cute and pretty to a certain extent, until there is no cuter or prettier one can get--these girls are at the edge of that--like characatures of 'cute' and 'pretty.'

Is that the ultimate of being feminine, being irresistably cute and pretty? It's hard for me to see it as anything other than trying to attract guys. Can it stand on its own as a sort of 'path to one's self?' Do clothes and make-up and hair make us feminine, and help us find ourselves? Can they??

Just a couple thoughts as I nod off...

Night awl

The Departure

Sunday night, I ran off to school to pick up some materials before giving some lessons I do on the side. I ran into Si Sensei on my way into the building. He apologized to me profusely, got in his car, and drove off into the darkness. I scuttled inside somewhat perplexed. A couple of teachers were sitting around in the staff room, not uncommon for a Sunday night. I grabbed my worksheets and headed out.

The other day a friend sent me an article about some scientists who are trying to send a photon back in time(Thanks, J). The scientists are working with an idea that photons can become entangled and effect each other through time. Well, you can read it for yourself, but it got me to thinking about that 'chance' meeting with Si Sensei.

Si Sensei quit his job. He wasn't in school last week, and he's left in the middle of the second term, so the other teachers, including me, are scrambling to cover his classes and take on his other responsibilities. But I want to get back to that encounter, how different his perspective must have been from mine.

In fact, I didn't really need to go there to the school, but when I did get there, Si Sensei almost seemed to be _waiting_ for me. He looked so fragile, almost ghost-like. He apologized with no explanation five or six times, and departed.

The next morning, people were asking _me_ questions about Si Sensei's departure. Apparently, it was quite sudden, and somehow, being there last night, I seemed to know more than anyone.

What was it that made Sensei think I knew what was going on? What drew me to school at that particular time? Do we get entangled in each other, and what does time have to do with it?

I'll miss Si Sensei. He put a lot of burden on me in these past months, but it was not hard to see he wanted to be free of burden himself. There was a particular goodness about him that made me want him to get his dream.

Enjoy yourself out there, Sensei, today, tomorrow, and yesterday.

Down with Physics

Learning a little about physics has given me some insight into my Aikido practice from time to time. By learning from principles that are in nature, I also learn ways nature works in me. That can then be applied to the practice, i.e. practicing harmony with nature. But all that is about to change.

The principles and laws of physics, from observing the biggest down to the smallest things we can conceive of, serve to help us clarify what exactly we are dealing with in this universe. 'What makes it all go?' is another question, but starting with gravity, to planetary motion, to curved space, to Einstein, to quantum physics, to physics that was so beyond me in 11th grade, it finally comes to this. In a few years, plugs will probably be a thing of the past.

Remember when phone receivers needed wires to connect them to the phone? Wasn't it nice to twirl the phone cord around your finger while you talked? Remember when we didn't have internet? Those shiny encyclopedias were like gold!! Remember when stamps cost 22 cents? Well, I do. It was the best.

I mean really, is physics all that great? Do submarines really matter? Is gravity oh-so-necessary?? I mean, things floating all around would be so cool, wouldn't it? I say it's time to take a stand against physics! Things were better before the apple fell on Newton's head! People could rest at night knowing the planets were being pushed around by little angels, and that the earth was the center of the universe.

Therefore, I say, let's fight for plugs!!! Sure we trip over them sometimes, they get all mixed up and we plug the rice cooker in when we mean to plug the kotatsu in and wonder why our feet are still cold, but plugs deserve a chance!! Who's with me???


I'm still on hiatus, but the brain seems to be in overdrive. Need more exercise.

Japanese and Howl

Enjoyed 'Howl's Moving Castle' tonight. What a lovely movie, I was thinking as I watched. Surprised how much of the Japanese I could understand, and of course, how much sounds utterly mysterious still. Language class has really pushed me to try to understand more and more.

What I'm enjoying now about learning Japanese is the structure and conformity of the language. It's beautifully simple because there are few exceptions to grammatical rules, as of yet. Of course, the rules are numerous, but I like studying them because they are tangible and I can use them right away.

Watching a nice movie in Japanese with pretty music and a lively and complex plot added to my energy to want to understand what's going on in Japan in its own Japanese terms.

I've never been Japan-obsessed or into manga or whatever clever Japanese gadgit, but I do like learning Japanese, and trying to speak it. That being said, I've a long, long way to go to really be skilled at it. Keeping on plugging...

I was given good advice here to take it easy and spend a little less time doing everything possibly doable. I decided to take that advice to heart. I'm on hiatus. I blew a fuse today and will spend some time not doing my regular activities for now, Japanese class aside. In the meantime, my mind is going to work on what it needs, and my body is going to work on what it needs. I think, when they have decided, they will let me know.

Otherwise, all is well tonight. The rain of a couple days ago has let up for the moment, and the air feels crisp and clear. I head off to bed with the last melody of the Moving Castle hanging in that air. Like Howl, may we all find our own heart after having caught a demon/air spirit thingy and making it your fire-slave and having a significant other who is under a spell that makes her have gray hair.

Or, as the Japanese might say, 'おしあわせに(O-shiawase ni)': May you have happiness.

Night all.

Rittou: Winter Has Arrived

Today, the first day of winter, 'rittou' in Japanese, lived up to its name. As I type this, I have my heater on for the first time this season, and my shoji rice paper doors shut to keep out the cold air.

My home is somewhat like a house of cards, in that the walls are thin, like cards. :-l The floors in all the main rooms are made of tatami, tightly woven straw mats. Under the straw mats are boards of wood. There's no insulation in the floor, walls or ceiling. Every room in the house has a window or a set of glass sliding doors(there are 3 sets of sliding doors). Air seems to leak in through all of the sliding doors and windows, and even the floors and walls are cold in the winter. Perhaps, for me, one of the most difficult parts of life here is no escape from extreme temperatures, outside of the little heater/air-con in the bed room.

The cold can and has been a real issue for me in the winter. (And of course, the heat is tremendous in summer. One example of this that I give of the ferocity of the heat is that the rosin in my violin case actually melted or morphed, or whatever that could be called, in my case last summer it was so hot inside my house.) This year, however, I'm interested to go through another winter, see if I can get through it, you might say, even inviting in the cold.

Living with an awareness of the seasons, the challenges each season can bring to daily life is really interesting. It offers a natural way of operating: if dishes are not cleaned up after eating, bugs will appear quickly. If clothes are not hung to dry, or taken to be dried quickly, they will grow mildew. If the curtains touch the mats in summer, the mats will get tiny bugs. These things can all happen in such a short amount of time, often less than one day, that I find I have to keep things in order just to prevent any possible opportunity for nature to create chaos in my house. As with taking precautions not to get burglarized by not create the opportunity for someone to become a thief, I find that I can't be careless about how I leave things, for scarcely a moment. I image having kids is probably the same...

Living in this way gives me a natural role to play. I am useful to myself; I feel satisfied when I can understand one more little bit of how things seem to work in the natural world. So, although I feel uncomfortable sometimes, I can learn a necessary, practical and useful way to live. At least until I'm no longer here...

That's all for tonight. Happy Rittou, to those who embrace this marvelously frigid and frostbitten season(it's all relative, right?)!!

Drawn to the Stand by the Halloween Trees

Today, as I was coming home from the city, I stopped by a large fruit and market stand I'd seen many times before. I'd always wondered what kind of place it was, but I didn't have the time to stop on the way up, and it was always closed on the way back. But today, I had a bit of extra time, so I stopped.

Out front, there were hundreds of mandarin oranges bagged up, and the bags were grouped according to the farm they were raised on. They were priced differently by how sweet and juicy they tasted. I tried the sample slices, and bought a bag of about 15 plum-sized mandarins('mikan' in Japanese) for 200yen, the juicy and sweet, yet mid-priced ones.

The reason I stopped, really, was because I kept seeing all these persimmon trees full of fruit by the roadside(I think of them as 'Halloween trees' because they look like little pumpkins growing on dead trees), and remembered that I haven't eaten any persimmons yet this season.

I quickly found them at the stand. They were priced from 200yen for four all the way up to 650yen for two. I paid 350yen for two, also mid-priced. I don't need fancy-schmancy persimmons just to satisfy a little craving. We'll leave those for the Iron Chefs, right?

Next, I went inside and it was amazing in there. There was this whole variety of Japanese fruits and veggies, so fresh, super cheap, plus lots of homemade pickled foods, which never seem to taste quite right when they come from the supermarket, so many kinds of locally grown green tea and other products like honey and barley, and at least half a dozen veggies that I still don't know how to use(working on it), and small and large local citrus fruits. I was shy about taking pictures, but I want to try next time I go. Maybe one of you detectives out there can tell me what veggies you see.

That nice trip aside, last night's big Halloween party at Ben's house, which actually _is_ across from a grove of mandarin orange trees and perhaps a Halloween tree or two, was fun. I went as a Chinese Pumpkin, wearing a Chinese-style dress with pumpkins all over it, and Hiro went as Darth Vader: helmet, cape, light saber, breathing apparatus and all. I taught him 'Luke, I am your father,' and he told me it went over very well with the foreign people he met through the night.

There were tons of people, 50 or 60, I think, in this house out in the countryside, out in the middle of nowhere. There were about half foreign people, half Japanese. Very mixed and friendly bunch.

It was all fun and games... until a friend of mine overdrank his tank and passed out badly. He was taken to the hospital and released at three this morning when we took him back to my house to sleep, way after the fun and games were over. He's seemingly fine now, but it wasn't so fun when all that was going on.

I wasn't feeling so hot for that and other reasons today, so after my Japanese lesson, I drove home instead of staying for Aikido and Jodo. It was not so bad, after all, because I came back early and the market stand was still open...

From Thursday to Death

Okay, so maybe it's time to pay more attention to blogging. I don't have any poetic ideas tonight, so I'll just write what comes up this time.

It's Thursday night, I'm sitting on my bed, and I'm wearing red pajamas. There are four blankets on my bed, although it's not that cold tonight. I cleaned the air filters on the heater just in case it starts to get cool.

I heard that it's been snowing and really cold in Colorado recently. Our weather has been the complete opposite. I was sweating during class today, and I got a sunburn the other day while hiking. My nose is peeling.

About my skin: last winter, when I was in Tokyo, I got a makeover in one of the biggest department stores in the world. I don't like getting made over -- I always think I look like a clown afterwards, and this was no exception. But there was one difference this time. Looking in the mirror, I noticed wrinkles around my eyes for the first time ever. It was strange to see that.

I only started using skin care products two years ago, when Hiro introduced them to me. If I use those products, my skin seems to look and feel nice and soft, and if I don't, well, it's now got these itty-bitty wrinkles.

Someone noticed the wrinkles this summer -- only one person has ever commented -- but I didn't feel bad about that. I ams what I ams, and these wrinkles are just curious things.

I also noticed some gray hairs on my head which seemed to have multiplied during last year. I got my hair lightened once this summer, but before that, there were maybe 15 or 20 gray hairs. Whether it came from the stress I experienced in my first year as an English teacher here, or whether it was just a natural occurance, who knows. They don't bother me much either.

Although I'm young on the scale of things, I suppose I am getting older, not just getting older, but aging in the slightest of ways already. The Oprah magazine was on aging this month. I suppose that got me thinking about aging a bit. I see my parents growing, aging, and changing, and I learn about life by talking with them about these things sometimes. It wasn't as obvious to me before I went away. I wonder if they can see me grow, change, and begin my aging too...

As autumn makes its way into winter, I reflect upon the inevitable(succinctly stated by The Flaming Lips: Do you realize/that everyone you know/someday/will die?). The more curious I become about death, the more curious I become about living. Even the low parts of living are somehow still worth being alive.

Is that true?

I'll be back soon, see you...

All-day excursion

Today I went for an all-day hike at Mount Kuju. The mountain is about a mile above sea-level at it's highest point. I live at sea level, so maybe you can image how high we had to go up to reach the top. It was 5 hours start to finish, and driving to Oita Prefecture took about 5 1/2 hours total. Although I'm not sure it's name, there was also volcano fuming sulphuric smoke off to one side as we climbed.

I couldn't find an easy-to-use map, but if you go here and click on the map tool, it'll show the island where I live, Kyushu. From there, you should be able to see three small red triangles to the northeast on the island. Click the middle red triangle to see the name 'Kuju' pop up. That's where I hiked today.

I would write a bit more, but I'm tired, so I'm going to bed early. Saturday was so full, and so was today. Tomorrow starts a four-day week, so I'm hoping to pull through it all in good health! Plus, Halloween is coming soon, so I gotta store up some spooky energy to scare all the little kids when I give out candy.

Moohoohaahaaaaa! Okay, not bad. Then again, I'm sure it'll be a lot scarier after some zzz.

Good night all, hope your weekend is going well!

Encounter at Rockport

October Dreams

Fall is here, but barely in Kumamoto. It has felt like mid-summer the whole week, almost blazingly hot, until yesterday. Yesterday, it started to feel cooler and a bit chilly at night. I'm glad October is here. Besides the beautiful change of leaves, October brings with it, for me, many happy memories of the past, and of my culture.

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, as many people know. Once a year for four years now, I've enjoyed pulling out my copy of October Dreams and reading a few stories from the spooky anthology . It has some of my favorite authors from when I was younger telling stories and recounting their Halloweens past. It brings me back...

Halloween is not traditionally celebrated by Japanese here in Japan, but there are still lots of "trick-or-treat" displays, and little green and orange pumpkins can be found in shopping malls, as well as plenty of darling Halloween crafts and treats to buy, which can be hard to resist... ahem. Large pumpkins are more rare to come by, and expensive too.

As for me, my blood tingles with anticipation of Halloween every year, regardless of costumes or pumpkins. The season, the history of the holiday, the colors, the fun, and of course, the treats(!), make me feel glad we have a holiday such as this one. Happy Halloween to all!!

I plan to dress up and go to a costume party, like I did last year. Last year, I was Crouching Tiger and my friend was Hidden Dragon. I'm not into the new sexy-style costumes(thanks, Linda) that have be getting popular over in the US recently. I think they take away the fun in a lot of ways, so I'm going to stick to traditional and maybe be an only semi-cute, but formidable Batwoman. (Batgirl, now back and more grown up than ever.) I'm not sure yet. I usually wait til a couple days before to decide.

I had my third Jodo class today, and so far I'm just loving it so much. It's not all that exciting, just repeating strikes and short forms over and over again, but there are so many precise details to follow, and I feel like I'm eating it up so far, albeit my brain is all mixed up and full with stuff I was taught. Aikido class afterwards was, as usual, good. I finally started keeping notes on my practice -- a technical notebook, for stuff I want to remember. No reflections or anything; I only do that here. ;-)

Also, I took a practice Japanese test today for the one in December. I took two parts out of the three parts of the test, and when we added my score, I was only one point from passing, without any points from the third part! I was psyched, because that means I'll definitely pass. Now, I'm going to challenge myself, and see if I can't raise my own score a lot higher than I did today. By no means have I mastered the material yet, but I'm working hard to at least work off of a strong foundation.

School has been just fine recently. I've been coaching students for a few different speech contests for a couple of months, and I was surprised and pleased that two of the students I had coached came in first and second at their competitions. We've been working hard almost every day so that they can give it their best for the national competition in Tokyo in January.

Regular teaching is still difficult, but I'm starting to see that if I went through the textbook(it's the one I chose, remember, so I can't complain; I love the book, actually! Here's the lesson we're on now...) for another year, it might start being easier and maybe the Japanese teachers I teach alongside with and I could enjoy our classes more. I've been doing a lot of work in school getting lesson plans made and in order for the end of second term. I wish I could express how much I want to be a part of classes that motivate and inspire the students, but as long as my grasp of Japanese is so minimal, I have to side-step actually teaching sometimes, because, due to my inexperience with Japanese, I can't explain anything much complicated to them. Some of them have started to get more interested, though, and makes me think there's hope for us. Maybe by the end of this school year(March) I'll have my act fully together. That's my goal, anyway.

Lastly, I want to say that I've been going through a lot of changes in my personal life recently. I think my cousin getting married had something to do with it, but that was just a small(but significant!) part of the big 'puzzle.' Things are getting clearer, and I'm embracing the changes okay, I believe.

I can't believe I wrote so much!! It's been a long time.

Best to you all out there.

Japanese and Jodo

I'm still here. It's been a quiet couple of weeks here at home. Lots of alone time.

Not to say that exciting things haven't been going on. There was the Kumamoto 'Songs of Fire Country' concert I took part in with the orchestra, part of a prefecture-wide celebration last Saturday(I took a video of the celebrations in the street, we'll see if I can't get that up here). That was fun. The music was written by a local man who also conducted.

I started Japanese lessons finally, at the Kumamoto YMCA. I'll be taking the 4th level Japanese Proficiency exam in December, and the classes are super. The 4th level is the basic level test, so I think I'll be able to pass. I considered taking the 3rd level, but I think whether or not I could pass is borderline at this point. With only two months to study, I thought I'd play it safe and go for the 4th. I have to say though, for what might be the first time in my life, I'm so exciting and interested in studying.

I also started Jodo lessons a couple of weeks ago. Jodo(properly written 'Joudou') is "The Way of the Staff." I'd been thinking about trying it for a long time, and when I saw the time of the Japanese lesson and the Jodo training coincided, I took the opportunity to start both. A lot of the same people who train in Aikido train in Jodo here, and lucky me, Awesome Guy is one of the teachers. If he teaches me for a majority of the practice time, I think I can up my skill level really fast.

Awesome Guy is such a gentle and strict teacher at the same time, and he's a little goofy too, his English is so funny. He knows all these technical terms for movements, but his grammar can be totally off, so I sometimes have to translate it again in my head, or else I laugh, for example: 'You holding jo straight ahead posture very bad. Turning can't see side gooooood.'

The class takes a lot of concentration and 'focus power.' There are 12 kata/forms to be learned, paired with bokken/wooden sword. Honda Sensei, the head Aikido teacher, also happens to be the head of this school of Jodo on Kyushu Island. It's a great opportunity, and although I waited a long time to start, I'm glad I've finally begun.

Sports Festival Weekend

The Sports Day is a national holiday set aside for improving the health of the body. The official holiday is next Monday, but each school has its own Sports Day festival. If you haven't been to one of these, it can be hard to imagine what it's like, so I'll try to paint a picture.

The students have been practicing dance moves, marching formations, and general fitness exercises for weeks now to prepare for the festival.

Yesterday(Friday) and today, we, the teachers and students and I, spent the day doing a sort of dress rehearsal. I'm on the 'props and preparation' team, and that means my team is running around setting up obstacle courses, games, and cleaning up after events. It is a fun job.

The students have been split into three teams, red, white, and blue. They complete against each other for points in games throughout the day. There are relay races, combined with three-legged races, in which one of the 'three-legs' is picked spontaneously, for example, my name could get picked, and I'd suddenly have to join the race. There is an event where red, white and blue balls are scattered in the center of the track, and the teams have to scurry and get them and try to throw them into different high baskets for points. There's team jump-roping, and team pole-running(yes, um, I'll have to post a picture of that). Between events, there are kiddie races, PTA member competitions, and dances. I'll be wearing a yukata(summer kimono) for one. The whole thing is a huge production, and it can be pretty amazing to witness and be a part of at times.

Tomorrow's the real thing, when the parents, brothers, sisters, PTA members, and community members come to watch. So the teachers have been working overtime--Friday night and tonight. After the festival, we'll have a teacher's drinking party, and we all get off Monday, hopefully for a job well done.

I had a lot of free time this week at school because practice often replaced class time. It's nice to have a low-stress time at the beginning of the second term. I think it's been good for everyone to break from the strict schedule for a while.

My prediction is the red team will take the title this year. Challengers??

Koizumi Steps Down

Big news in Japan.

wash the blankets

Two nights ago it started getting cold here, so I climbed on top of my bed, and pulled out the storage container with the winter blankets. And man, am I allergic to them. In fact, I can't even sleep because my nose gets stuffy and I keep sneezing. So I figure it's time to wash the blankets.

I wasn't here for the typhoon that hit Kyushu last Sunday, because the plane back from Kansai/Osaka to Fukuoka(Kyushu) was cancelled. It left a day later, so I had a day layover, you might say. I was freaked out for a couple minutes, because I thought I was going to have to not only sleep on an airport bench(as the service woman suggested) but also spend the next day until the evening in the airport. This was after 15 hours of restless sleep on planes from Philly to Chicago to Japan...
I can't imagine how it would be to be a Katrina victim, and be completely displaced. Just having to deal with finding a place to stay for one night was hard for me. But there was one person I sort of knew...

Yoshimi, who sometimes comments here, called her mother for me, and I scurried onto a bus and met her in the city of Wakayama, 1/2 hour south of Osaka. She took me to her home and fed me, and let me stay in Yoshimi's old room. She really came to my rescue in short notice, and she was very graceful about it. Here's a picture of her house and garden in Wakayama:




But when I did get back home, I found things scattered all over my yard, and potted tree tipped over, and the washing machine door opened and the tiny machine filled with dirt and leaves. Luckily, this was the only damage done to my place. The school wasn't as lucky as I was. This is the wall of the gym:




Finally, the annual Tawara Festival was yesterday. That's the one where teams pull oversized-hay barrels in a race against time to pop balloons. The prize for the fastest team is a year's supply of rice and about $5000. I watched a half hour, and I snapped this photo of a taiko group:

Then, I went to the marathon set of rehearsals. It was 5 1/2 hours total practice time. I found out it was because the conductor was only going to be in town for this time, so we didn't have any other practice times he could make it before the November concert. All the music is going fine--the Mozart is a flurry of 16th notes: it's challenging to keep up. And btw, it's not the 4th Symphony, it's the Symphony in E-flat major, KV543, but I don't know what # symphony. If someone is looking for 350 bonus points, they are up for grabs with the answer to that question.

Enjoy your weekend!!

1 big black, 1 big white, 3 big gold, 2 tiny pipsqueaks

Hi. Back. Thanks for the well-wishes for the trip, everyone. It was really fun to see the whole family dressed so nicely. My cousin's wedding was quite beautiful, and her husband is such a kind man. He's always put me at ease whenever I'm around him. And the best thing is that they seem to be happy to know and be with each other.

Two days now--tired. Today, I feel like I sat all day. The students are practicing for the sports festival next week and so I only have one or two classes to teach every day. So I've been reading a lot. This is great for me. But when I feel so tired, I think I'd rather get some exercise somehow.

Tonight was an orchestra rehearsal of our pieces for the concert following the October 8th one. October 8th we're playing 3 pieces written by a Kumamoto man, about Kumamoto's famous places. It doesn't use the pentatonic scale or anything. It sounds like Rodeo or something.

Tonight's rehearsal was Mozart's 4th Symphony, the Overture to the Magic Flute(score!!!), and Beethoven's 5th. Tonight, the first rehearsal on these pieces, we played everything at full speed. It kicked my butt hard, as first rehearsals tend to do.
I've never played the Mozarts, but I've played the Beethoven a few times. And the bowings are different every time. I stink at bowings--that is one of my weaknesses as on orchestral player. So I decided to pay very, very close attention to all the bowings this time around, and make them as important as the notes themselves, so as to be in sync, even in rehearsals. We'll see how that goes.

The orchestra I used to play in in the US used to play a lot of Strauss, and Mahler, and I dunno, uh, Debussy, or such. But this orchestra seems to do basic works and crowd pleasers. Kind of like how in Aikido here we do so much kihonwaza, basic technique. Maybe as a volunteer orchestra, they believe we are only up to the basics(which is certainly not true, in my opinion) or, more likely, classical music is not all that well-known down here in East-Jabip, Kyushu.

We have another rehearsal tomorrow. Strings from 2:30-5, and full orchestra from 6:30-9:00. The concert is more than a month away, so I don't know why we have 5 hours of practice tomorrow. I'll be missing Aikido(now two weeks in a row) and because of the hour commute, will sort of give up the Saturday for the rehearsal. Such is life... but I like playing, and the violin's sounding really nice now that I finally got those new strings on it.

Well, this post could go on and on, because I'm worn-out and just saying whatever comes into my head.

Did I tell ya? I finally got those goldfish for my desk in the office. There are 7 fish, and they often make me happy I came to work. My dream house always has fish in it.

Good night.

And she's off...

again to the U.S. for the pleasure of my dear cousin's wedding. See ya in a few days, cats.

Superior Man's Club Okay With Me

I learned some interesting things from talking with Hiro tonight about the Imperial Family line. As it turns out, the family line was never meant to be a maternal line at all. In fact, if you go back to each time when there was a woman empress, regardless of whether she had children or not, the line was cut after she died. Officials, or some such people, would follow the family line back until they could find a living male heir, be it second-cousin or what have you, and that male would succeed the throne. Hiro reminded me that the 'original god' of Japan was a woman(, perhaps the 'goddess of creation?' I really don't know); yet the imperial line was only ever meant for males. An analogy that made sense to me would be that the line is like a lion's club for men, or a 'Way of the Superior Man's club,' if you will. It wasn't intended for women in the first place, and that, I can understand. And now that I understand, it's okay with me.

In that light, I see no problem with holding to the desire to keep the 'club' alive, and hoping that the princess would have a male child. I now believe there is a lot of misunderstanding about the situation, and I'm glad that it was cleared up for me, so that I could find peace with a very sensitive topic.

When I asked Hiro where we could find something similar which showed an appreciation of the women's historical lines, he reminded me again that women in history have mostly been thought of as inferior to men in some way, so those lines have probably not been thought to be important to keep. Only recently, have people been opening to the possibility that women are not inferior, but maybe just different.

So, he suggested I start a maternal line--I don't know if I'm the one to do it, but I do think there's no reason why a woman/women shouldn't start. Have they already started? Is there a maternal family line, with records kept from long ago, which is still alive today? I wonder, and I do remember hearing about lines of priestesses, but a strictly maternal blood line?? Hmm...

All in all, I'm glad women have opportunities to be appreciated for what they are more and more these days. And through all of it, I can say I'm glad I was born female. And as I learn to love being a woman more and more, I hope I am also becoming a part of what's to be appreciated about them.

Currently's news...

The heat finally broke this week, and the mosquitos are happy to see me outside again. I'm not as happy to see them, so I smell like poison from all the spray I have on...

I had a last-minute visit from the principal and vice-principal of the school today. There had been some problems with my living situation, which had been taken care of by the previous principal, and the current principal wanted to check out the place to get his own feeling for things.

Here in Japan, a lot of companies find housing and provide partial rent for employees. Following that scheme, my school found my place, paid the deposits, and I moved into the place they chose last year, when I started my job at the new school. So, technically, the school owns me. Well, my house. Well, part of it. So that means a lot of teachers know where I live, and the administration is free to come over whenever they want. Fortunately, they haven't seen much reason to come by, but it sure is odd to have the school principal(sort of my boss) come into my house, 'just to take a look around.' But I think it was just because he wanted to see the grounds, and had concern for the safety of the place, the condition, etc. We had a nice, stifled time talking about the weather, the street outside my house, etc. I really try hard to speak as much as I can at these times, but mostly I have nothing to talk about. He was really courteous though about the whole thing.

So I came home from school today, and planned to go to Aikido. But for the first time in a long time, I don't want to go. I want to be there, but I don't feel like driving the hour to get there. I think it's because I feel a little weak right now...

I haven't been eating much for the past couple of days. I read an article on the hordes of preservatives and additives in convenience store food over here(lemme see if I can post that article--it's at school now). It was something which I wasn't aware of, and it made me very sad, and so I decided to avoid conveniece store prepared foods(bento boxes, packaged breads, and salads, etc.) as much as possible.

Unfortunately, on days like yesterday and today, when there isn't much time to cook between work and practice, I have been going without much food, which, I think, might be poor alternative. I like cooking, and I've learned some interesting ways to cook Japanese foods, but of course, it takes time and effort.

I suppose by planning in advance, it's doable to cook for Tuesdays and Wednesdays and avoid the 'conbini'(i.e., 'Seben Ereben', a.k.a. '7-11', 'everyone', 'FamilyMart', 'Yamazaki Shop', etc. ;-) ). Hmm, that means shopping on a schedule, too. Hmm, that may just be possible.

Anyway, it's pretty late to go to practice now. That's a shame; never like to miss it. But oh, well. Maybe I'll head over to the conbini for a nice fried-shrimp bento... wait a second. Instead of that, I'm going to the market, and going buy me some shrimp, and make me a nice fresh shrimp-fried meal right here. That's the ticket...
later, all!

Chance lost for Empress

Well, most every one interested in Japan has probably heard the news by now. Yay! Congratulations, Princess and family!

(Well, that solves that, I guess. Whew, lucky no one had to change any rules over it--having an empress would have been terrible for so many people, for sure!! And to think, the pressure to have a male heir only caused the princess to have a nervous breakdown once! At least she could get pregnant again, right?

What's the big deal about all this anyway?

Really, there have been empresses in Japan before(eight of them, actually). I think a lot of people believe either males or females are innately good leaders. And I personally don't think the strengths of men are more powerful than the strengths women possess. I'm talking innate strengths, the stuff nature gives us. I wonder why having an empress would have been such a horror.

To tell you the truth, and my own gender aside, I hoped she would have a girl. Just to have something change around here, and to make people look at their own biases, which seem to be based in fear. I see this as a chance lost for many Japanese to go through some quite interesting and challenging introspection. And of course, for Princess Mako, a.k.a. the one who got pushed aside, as a chance lost to change the hearts of those people.)

That said, (yet, regardless of how I personally feel,) may the prince and Emperor-to-be, live long, and be healthy and happy. Bansai!!!

Croc Hunter Leaves, Doing What He Loved

Steve Irwin was killed by a string ray today.
This man was a hero to so many people, including me. I loved his approach to animals, to living life so freely and fearlessly, and his courage to show the whole world what he loved. I'm sure he wouldn't regret the way in which he died. It will probably be very, very hard on his family and the people who knew him, because people who didn't even know him, like me, were so touched by his life and work. A sad day, for animal lovers, and for the world.

Chance to be thrown

I had what some might call a lucky break today. Since I came back to Japan a week and a half ago, I've been back to Aikido practice 3 times. The first class back, I was asked to be an uke(the one who receives a technique) at an upcoming Aikido demonstration. I wanted to help out, and had nothing to lose, so I agreed.

During the second class, the person who would be throwing me decided on what techniques he would execute.

The third time, yesterday, we practiced it. And today was the demonstration. A lot of people I know are used to doing this sort of thing without practicing beforehand, but in the dojo here, demonstrations are highly choreographed, and doing one with little prep time is a little chancey. My partner even commented that 'he had the heart of a flea'(nomi no shin) as we were starting.

But we did great! Not only that, I couldn't believe how many people were complementing us afterwards. I felt a little embarrassed by all the praise I was getting. But the highlight of that was when my teacher in Japan, Honda Sensei, told me that the shihan(master instructor) who was watching, Suganuma Sensei, told him that my ukemi(falls, lit. 'receiving') were very well done. I almost didn't believe him, but when I got a chance to talk with Suganuma Sensei at the drinking party afterwards, he told it to me directly. I was so surprised!! I didn't even expect him to acknowledge me, really!

I didn't even notice my ukemi being different from before. I just remember thinking that I'm going to wait for my partner to throw me, and not throw myself. The only other thing I was thinking was that I wanted to regain my own balance each time between being thrown and attacking again.

They are going to give me a copy of the video that someone took, and if I can, I'll post it here. That is, unless they were just humoring me. But somehow, I suspect master instructors try not to humor their students. Well, regardless, I was very excited that people responded to some subtle changes I was attempting to make in my practice. Even if no one had said anything, I was so happy to have been there.

I got up at 5 this morning to make the train to the bus to the dojo. But I feel energized anyway!!


On a slightly different note, everyone at the dojo seems to be pushing for me to take my nidan(second degree black belt) test. Like everyone says I should do it, and that I'm nearly ready, and that it's time to 'level up.' The teachers in the dojo have been hinting about it for 4 or five months. But I've had an internal dilemma about it, so I find I can't give an energetic, 'all right, let's do it.' I feel some sort of loyalty to my teacher back at home(Ikeda Sensei). Also, he hasn't seen me practicing for past two years, so I don't know if he would think I should go ahead and do it. I wouldn't be able to take the test among my friends in Colorado, and, this is debatable, but, I think the test here is much easier to pass than the one I would take at home. Meaning, I think the test at home is more rigorous, and the chance of getting asked to test is much more unlikely. However, I have been training here for two years now, Honda Sensei is absolutely my teacher too. I want to ask Ikeda Sensei what he thinks.

Any Aikidoka or non-Aikido people have thoughts about this?

from a letter 1

In my little outing to school, I'd braced for the worst, but never anticipated the best would happen. I went in thinking that almost no one would notice my reentry into the building, and that I would visit my goldfish, who would have missed me dearly while another teacher was taking care of them, and then I would do some work and go home. Here how it really happened:
I went in, said my Konnichiwa!, and was instantly greeted by two teachers with broad smiles. It was all 'Oh, so how was America? Your face looks tanned! Did you get to see your family?' and so on. Then, I was introduced to two new teachers, who had arrived since my absence. The teacher whose desk is next to mine came in, happily showed me pictures of her summer fun and her cute dog, and then gave me one cucumber of three she had brought, and I quote, for 'cutting practice.'

Whew! What a relief!
I'll start a normal work day from 9-5(if I want--actually, I'm still technically on vacation til the 4th, so there's some flexibility still) tomorrow.

from a letter 2

I wish I had a little more energy so I could write a full letter. But it got late and I've gotten very tired. Tonight was an orchestra practice, the first one I went to since I came back. It also went better than I expected. More on that.
The not great news is that I found eensy-weensy bugs in my tatamis after work today. So I have to do major vacuuming and airing every day. I might have to do some bomb or something, which I detest for many reason. Waa!!
Also, school today started with a 2-hour meeting in which I sat, basically clueless. So I just listened and wrote down all the Japanese words I could understand but didn't know the meaning of. I'll look them up later. Helps me even though the meetings go on and on. I actually got excused early; I think it went on for another hour...

Higher Ground

Well, it's time to go back. To school, that is. There's a small part of me that is looking forward to it. I shall focus on that part as I enter the teacher's room and shout out, "Konnichiwa" for all to hear.
There is another part of me that is still dazed that I'm back. It's not jet-lag either. More like having left so much behind that I'm trying to remember what it was that I was doing here before I left. I guess, in these times, I just gotta keep on going.

First Saturday Airing

It's still morning and I'm already sweating. My apartment definitely has a funny smell. I think it's mildew in the tatami mats, of which there are maybe twenty or so. When I came in two days ago, my landlady was 'airing' the place out. If she hadn't been doing that all month, I think there'd be green mildew all over the mats by now. I've got the windows open as we speak for some airing, before the weather climbs over into 'toasty hot.'

The heat is a real burden for me, even after a lot of training in it before I left. I wonder if what I learned about it so far is to just bear it, and let it bother me minimally. Coming back, though, it's obvious that it's much hotter than Philly or CO. I'm going to shut myself in my room right now, turn on the air-con, and not go out unless I have to. 'Have to' meaning, for example, if someone knocks on the door... hang on...

Ha, ha. :-) Japanese Jehovah's Witnesses at my very own doorstep. Helps to not know Japanese at times like these, chuckle, chuckle.

These first couple days back have clarified some things for me already. Of which kind of climate I prefer: much drier and cooler than here. Of what I haven't been able to do: make many Japanese friends(my 3 closest non-Japanese friends, who all happened to be in Japan on the JET program, all returned to the U.S. this summer). Of something I missed about being in Japan: it's so quiet I can sometimes hear my 'inner voice' again already. And of a hard lesson: it takes a lot of work to make a life in a foreign country. That I have a small network of Aikido and orchestra and other friends here has taken my full effort for two years. I don't envy people who can't return to their own countries. It's much easier to know I have the safety net that is 'home'...

One more year, please.

I'm back to spend year 28 in Japan.

One day back in. I'm jet-lagging as we speak. The only plan today was to train at the dojo, but I fell asleep from about 3pm until 9pm, so I slept right through class. Which explains why I'm awake now at 2:30am.

It's hot and humid, 35 degrees celsius today(bonus: what is that in Fahrenheit?). And the mosquitos are still here, even though I'd asked them to be gone by the time I got back. My garden is overgrown with weeds, and it poured and thunderstormed loudly this afternoon.

Breakfast at Hiro's was rice, miso soup, and okra and goya sliced up with bonito flakes and soy sauce on top. Mmm...
I was treated to lunch by Etsuko, at a traditional restaurant that specialized in *unagi*(cue fingers pointing at head and grimaces by friends). Japanese food sure pleases my palette. I'm a convert. I could eat only Japanese food for the rest of my life. I'd even give up pizza and peanut butter. I didn't eat dinner, because I slept right through dinner time, and when I woke up, I wasn't hungry.

I'm going to lie down now, and maybe I'll sleep too.
Good to be back, more to come.

P.S. It's so quiet here.

Almost Back

It has been next to impossible for me to keep up writing during my trip home. There have been few moments of breathing time, and every time there are, thoughts flood my mind like a waterfall.

And so it follows that I have run out of time to write at this very moment.

When I'm back in Japan on Tuesday, I anticipate it will be back to lots of blogging.

See you soon...

Uh, me?

I sure feel a lot of things shifting, inside and out, inside-out, and upside-down and round and round. In fact, so much is spinning in my mind and world that I don't have much time to reflect lately. Here's my best attempt:

Aikido camp has left me exhausted, but in a good way. In my attempts to be continually pleasant and present, I have a pretty clear memory of the entire week. I took notes after classes as much as possible, on key points I picked up or wanted to look at for further study. I was surprised that many of the things I have been thinking about/working on in Japan were relevant in some way in the training I did here. That is, bonding with my partner and producing a 'zero-sum' outcome(or being 'undetectable,' as someone else put it) from the start of the encounter. I did a lot of thinking about the movement of celestial bodies, galaxies, satellites, and also natural laws and nature on our planet. A lot of the movement I've witnessed and felt in Aikido training can be seen equivalently in the larger macro or smaller micro worlds around. I want to study this particular aspect much more.

On the mat and off the mat, the living connections I could share with other people made me wish I could stay at camp forever. (I want to mention a very great dinner I had smack in the middle of things there with my cousin, while I'm thinking of it.) I ended up spending a lot of my time there with one friend in particular. I neither fought this tendency to give a disproportionate amount of time to one person, nor embraced it to the extent of missing chances to relate to other people. But I was consistently put at ease while in my friend's presence, and felt awakened and happy under my friend's influence. I'll point out that my friend is a man, which must have got everyone wondering about why we could be seen together so frequently when everyone knows I have a boyfriend. I have given this thought. My boyfriend is important to me, and the promise that I have with him was not violated in any of the interactions I had this week. That's all I'll say about that.

Just a couple more things. I got some major overhaul done on my violin, which turned out to be a good little chunk to spend on a musical instrument(at least on my budget ;) ). The neck was removed, reangled, and repositioned into the body, and some length was added to it. That was the major thing. The bridge was also switched out, and the chinrest adjusted. Finally, I got to try four different kinds of strings on it, and found that one speaks much more perfectly for the instrument than the others. I have to seek out these uber strings, and swear by them when I become world famous. (Just kidding--I will never be world famous for my violin playing. And that's an understatement.) And by gosh, it does sound like a whole new instrument when I run the bow across it. I would never have guessed it was the same instrument I took to the shop last week.

Finally, I'd like to say that being back in Boulder is actually my dream come true. Last night, despite my violin's recent exit from surgery and my own rustiness, a group of more-senior-than-I musicians urged me to join them for an evening of playing Haydn, Beethoven, and Mendelssohn quintets.
My home base, at my Colorado mother's place, is a very nice neutral zone from which to begin endeavors here. (By the way, and I hope she won't get mad at me, but she and her husband just celebrated their 33rd year together and I am in awe of their commitment, and the loveliness it carries. [And I'm wishing you the best out there, and thanks.])
Anyway, I got a chance to visit the old stomping ground, a.k.a., the bookstore I used to work for, and I was showered with love, well-wishes, and smiles; so I bought $50 worth of books.
Sheesh, am I bordering the edge of annoyingness when I say that I even enjoyed seeing my dentist and getting a good cleaning? I think so. I'll stop now.

Underlying everything is my knowing that I'll be back in Japan in less than 3 weeks, probably struggling to create lesson plans which I don't know how to teach effectively, more struggle with communication, isolation and almost no friends to talk with and relate to, and it will all have been too good to be true.

Good food, adventure around every corner, and a loving boyfriend. I suppose on either end, everything will be just fine.

(If the above had an arrogant air about it, I want to say that I didn't mean it in that way really at all. A lot of things are happening in me, to me, and around me, so it's logical that the me's start to add up.)

Best to you all out there.

Pardon the long absence--these days I haven't been Currently in Japan, I've been at Aikido camp in the good old Rocky Mountains, which I call home some of the days. Aikido camp is all I had anticipated for months and much more; it is filling me with the stuff I will reflect upon during this coming year.

I seem to have changed a whole lot as far as my Aikido technique, ukemi(the one who receives the techniques), and outlook. I've been consisently amazed that beginners, intermediate level, and advanced level people all seem to have something useful to teach me. And I've been surprised every time someone approachs me to train after class. Mostly they rank high above me or have much more experience than me, and I am grateful for everything I have been learning from them.

On a personal level, reuniting with friends has been overwhelming and has been melting my heart. There is a lot more that I could write about this, but I won't, because when one is in the middle of it all, it's not always the best time to reflect.

It's been over 100 degrees every day for about 3 or 4 days now... and exceedingly humid for about three weeks. I'm so hot I can barely post blogs. But I managed to get to Aikido tonight. Still learning a lot every time, always challenging. It was so hot that my arms were glistening during practice. I was surprised because I don't remember that happening before. Awesome Guy was showing me stuff again, and I'm getting more and more prepared for summer camp in Colorado. Maybe recently I've just started to feel like an actual shodan. I know I look goofy a lot when I'm trying new things, but learning is now more important than how I look.

Yakuza Encounter

I just got a report today that yakuza(organized gang) has recently been gathering in this area. I hadn't a clue yakuza members lived around here, but now I understand it is well known around town. I saw them last night.

My friend Kara will be leaving Japan in a few days, after three years living and teaching here. So, we decided to meet for dinner at Cafe Miami, near the Tamana train station. She took the main road there, but I took some back roads, since it was near my house. When we arrived, I told her that there was a group of 25 or so men in blue uniforms holding red light wands standing in the road. They moved when I pulled my car through, and I saw on my right, a desk with two shaven-head men in uniforms staring intensely at me through my car window. I felt alarmed and vulnerable for a moment, and then I saw two women dressed in black turn into the alley from the busier street near the restaurant.
I couldn't get a sense for what was going on: I thought it must have been a funeral.

We forgot about it and ate our pasta.

Today's report went like this: A friend of Tamana Girls' School has reported this afternoon that Yakuza gang members have been seen in the area behind the train station. Teachers are asked to stay clear of that area, and tell their students to stay clear. The police have a watch on the building where members have gathered, but as of yet, there is no further news.

I have nothing to do with yakuza, except we live in the same world, under the same universal laws. Their world affects mine and vice versa, to a lesser degree, I'm sure. But are they 'bad,' and the police 'good?' And couldn't one easily become the other, as easily a friend can become an enemy? I feel strange when the connections/interactions between people is broken and people get labeled off-limits or scary. On the other hand, maybe it's always good to stay away from negative influences. Or, as a superhero we could go straight into them without being affected. (Didn't I mention I have a t-shirt that says, "I wish I was supernaturally strong, so I could put right all that is wrong." But it's difficult to wear that shirt outside of Japan because it sounds so presumptuous. The idea is nice though.) The other answer is to get rid of the concepts of right and wrong all together. Which is more difficult?

Suganuma Sensei in Tenjin Dojo, Fukuoka

Went to Suganuma Shihan's dojo finally on Monday night. I'd been wanting to go for almost two years now, but the chance came when a guy from his dojo up in Fukuoka moved down here to ours in Kumamoto. Having a connection to someone from Suganuma Sensei's dojo made it much easier to just show up and train.
And boy, was it enjoyable. Sensei's stretches were refreshingly authentic. I was right in front of him, and I could hear him breathing through nearly every stretch. His stretches were full of extension. I really enjoyed being there right with him for that.
Training was morotedori kokyunage, ushiro katatedori kotegaeshi and shihonage, and so on--I heard someone once say that Suganuma Sensei trains mostly basic techniques, which sounds about right. We did morotedori ikkyo, which was good for me because I'm working on the pin. I'm trying to line up my hand with uke's and press my the base of my index finger knuckle into uke's to hold the pin without a lot of muscle.
Near the end, Sensei called out 'jiuwaza--dozo,' and I looked at my partner, and he says in English, 'Anything you want, come on!!' So we worked on koshinage, where I'm working to look at my leading hand all the way through the throw. My partner wanted me to crank his wrist really hard in nikyo, which I couldn't do so well, so he showed me how to hook my pinky around his wrist.
The people I got to work with seemed to reflect what I could see about Sensei--relatively loose and flexible, precise, and most noticeably, aware. I read that Sensei began to practice Zen seriously many years ago, which would explain the sense I got that he notices everything.
Sensei worked with me for kokyuho. He said I was holding my breath, and he was right. When I breathed it was much easier. I could feel the same thing in his wrists that I feel when I grab Honda Sensei's: it feels tight, but not strong. Ikeda Sensei's wrists felt the same, as far as I can remember. It's what I've been trying to emulate in tenkan practice. (BTW, it does help to extend my fingers.)
Afterwards, Bread, Bread's wife, my boyfriend(who came to watch!) and I had tea with Sensei. I was really happy, and wanted to talk with him for a long time, but unfortunately, a long time is something we didn't have. It took about 2 hours to get to the dojo, and it took 2 hours to get back. I was so glad to go that... I want to go again!!!

Last night we had some powerful thunderstorms. I was up from about 4-6 in the morning, listening to the thunder and sheets of rain, and watching flash after flash of lightning(and feeling it shake my bed). The lightning came very close to my home. It struck down what looked to be less than a half mile away.

When the sun came up around 5:30, I sat facing my small garden, watching the downpour continue for another half hour.

At 7, I was awakened by the phone, and a teacher reported to me that school was cancelled today due to flooding. Ten minutes later, he called back and said that teachers were to come to school, but no students would be there. The logic of that, I have to say, evaded me, but that doesn't really matter. Most teachers, like me, left school early. So I'm at home today, making up for lost sleep and cleaning house.

I've heard the storms will continue all week.

----
I'm really looking forward to my upcoming trip home, Aikido camp, visiting friends, family, etc. Recently, although I feel generally content, I've also felt in need of some stimulation. However, it is quite nice to be in anticipation of something too, so I guess all is well.

Having been said, I'm open to topics related to Japan or Japanese culture. If anyone has a suggestion for a topic or question, etc., please let me know.

Generosity

I noticed this article on the news today, which almost brought me to tears:

Warren Buffett donates $37 billion to Bill Gates Foundation

My dream is not to be as rich as this man, but as generous.

Awesome

"The US Episcopal Church has chosen a woman as its next leader - making it the first church anywhere in the Anglican denomination to do so..." : a change for Anglicans

and as long as we're on the subject of religion, the following is an interactive site created by zen monks in Kyoto : do-not-zzz

and as long as we're on that subject, now for something completely different...
The 2003 National Rock Paper Scissors Competition!

What is solid and charged with energy?

(insert your cleverest answer:___________)


Something I note recently about Aikido practice--while practicing tenkan(the changing-direction exercise), it 'works' with a variety of training partners.

I've been working on maintaining a solidness through the exercise from the arm, through the shoulder, and through the turn. Not a rigidness with force, but a solidness in the curve of my arm to my pinky. And, well, maintaining it through my wrist being grabbed.
And sort of charging my body with energy while doing this. I discovered that by extending my arms during rowing practice, I could up my energy with the extension. People always told me to 'extend, extend,' but I think I've been extending and sort of giving away whatever energy came from that extension. But now I want to work to understand what's happening and to build that energy and cultivate it.

I got a couple of 'mmm...'s from my partner at practice last night, instead of the usual 'no, do it this way,' and such. Similar thing happened with someone else.

I want to go into this deeper...

I have to say, it sucks for me when I have to teach classes by myself. Today, two of the teachers I team-teach with got called out of school for meetings, so they asked me to cover for them. It's not that I don't like teaching; I like that. But if I can't explain things clearly to the students, if I can't answer their questions clearly, and if sometimes I just can't find the words at all to convey what I need, it's very tough.

Ideally, I could conduct these classes mostly in English. However, most of the students come from a background without much skill in English listening comprehension, so mostly I just get blank stares, and the time blobs by as if we're living in a lava lamp.

Most of the students have no clue how difficult it is for me when they won't say if they understand or not. I have no idea what to do in that case. I don't know if they understand, but won't say, don't understand the assignment, or just don't understand my Japanese.

Sigh... for the first time in, well, maybe the first time this year, I almost lost it today--wanted to explode or just sit down and give up. And so it goes...

A Night at the Opera!

I went to see a performance of 'The Magic Flute' by Mozart tonight.
The performance was in Japanese (with a Japanese cast), so I brought a little libretto so I could follow what they were saying in English.

I know the tendency to become sleepy at long performances, so my expectation for myself was that I might get sleepy for the first half, and then have patience through the second, but I found instead that I was totally drawn in from the beginning. I found that Mozart's story was so creative. It began with a giant serpent chasing a prince. The prince almost gets killed, but then 3 ladies appear with silver spears and slay the serpent.
A guy dressed in feathers(Papageno) appears and finds the prince almost dead. When the prince wakes up Papageno lies and tells the prince that he was the one who killed the serpent. The 3 ladies overhear and get angry and put a magical lock on Papageno's mouth so that he cannot speak, and therefore cannot lie.
But soon, the ladies come back again and remove the lock, saying that their master, the Queen of the Night, has told them to have mercy on him.
Papageno and the ladies sing back and forth to each other:

Papageno: "I will never lie again!"

Ladies: "Let the lock be a warning to you!"

Papageno: "Let the lock be a warning to me!"

All: "If only every liar had a lock like this upon hir mouth: then would hate, calumny(slander), and rancour(ill will) be replaced by love and brotherhood!"

Again and again, I found similarly simple stories with equally universal messages.

I was profoundly affected by the symbolism of the magic flute itself, which I saw as the power of music to bring joy to life. I thought the Queen of the Night's struggle for power over Sarastro(the lord of the temple of the sun?), showed how disharmony in one's self throws the entire world off balance.

My favorite part is when the prince, Tamino, and Pamino, the daughter of the Queen of the Night, finally get to be together.
How did Mozart present this beautiful moment? He had them enter 'the gates of fear' together, and walk through fire and floods. Tamino holds the flute out in front of them both; he leads the way through the fire, and she leads through the flood. I believe this symbolized the trials of marriage, and how each must protect and support the other at different times through life. The flute was the power of joy, and especially the joy of music, which was always leading them safely through fear.

Actually, it's not too much my interpretation. Just as they begin to walk, they sing together, "We walk, by the power of music, in joy through death's dark night." Afterwards, they are allowed to enter the temple of the sun, which I think might be the heavens.

Anyway, I'm amazed, enlighted, surprised, changed and maybe most importantly, totally convinced of the power of music to bring joy and illumination to life. For the first time in my life, I feel that I witnessed Mozart's true genius personally.

I should say that the person I went with did fall asleep and certainly wasn't crying during the second act(like me) to my knowledge. So the musical training I've had to this point probably made it easier for me to have this kind of experience with this opera. Just shows the benefit that may be possible from training oneself in any way.

I don't know how I expect anyone to respond to this post, but I really, really wanted to write about my experience and my thoughts on tonight's performance.

The one that got away

Last night, at about 3:45am, something hit me on the head and woke me up. I thought it was a beetle that fell off the ceiling, because it kind of bounced. But inside, I remembered my neighbor telling me to watch out--lo and behold, when I searched to find whatever it was, I was confronted with a squirming body with hundreds of legs, and my own great big fear--a mukade!!!! On my pillow!!!!!!!

I was freaked out, it's body was thin, but it was very long. I don't know that it was one of the killer centipedes, but I've heard that's the only kind of giant centipede you see around here. I went to get a container to catch it in. Unfortunately, when I started moving it into the container, it made a dart for my clothes drawer, which I had conveniently left cracked open. I panicked, shooed it the other direction, and it fell under my bed. After that I couldn't find it at all. And I couldn't sleep. At all.

I wish I hadn't panicked, because I think I would have safely caught it otherwise, plus, I'm in training(not my dojo, but you get the point) not to panic in the face of my fear. Because of that, it's surely still somewhere in my house. What am I gonna do??!!

The Kindness of Countryfolk

People give me vegetables all the time. I've heard that receiving vegetables on a weekly basis in Japan is a tell-tale sign that you live in the countryside. The other sign is needing to drive less than 1 minute outside your house to find the closest rice field.

It's quiet out here a lot of the time, so it's really nice having fresh, homegrown vegetables around. They make me feel like cooking, which gives me something to do.

Sometimes, I don't even know the name of what I've been given. In that case, I now take it along to my cooking lesson, and ask my instructor to explain what the vegetable is and how to use it.
Today I received a bag of potatos from the girl who I tutor's uncle, who grew them in his garden. He's never even met me! Such is the kindness of countryfolk, I suppose : )

Some of the things I've received in the past six months: homegrown cucumbers, squash, eggplant, lettuce, asparagus, leeks, tomatos, persimmons, mandarin oranges, pearl oranges, asian pears, fresh eggs, freshly harvested rice--and the list goes on.

Things I've received in the past two weeks: onions, green onions, garlic, peas, cabbage, carrots, daikon radishes, honeydew, watermelon, and some pickled plums(those were also given to me today, by the girl's grandmother, who pickled them herself).

I consider myself fortunate--it's a wonder I ever have to buy food!

The Great Trash ...Solution??

Trash piles up in landfills every day. It piles up and just sits there, doing nothing, just sort of hidden from human sight. As if somewhere along the way, we humans took a strange turn and ended up with all this useless or used-up stuff that we have to 'throw away.' Of course, I contribute to this growing pile. Like probably everyone, I haven't known any other possibilities, aside from recycling and such. I don't know what got me thinking, but for a couple of weeks now, I've been thinking about how not to make trash.

But after all, I think it's not possible. Trash is a byproduct of living as a human today. Well, where is my trash coming from and why do I make it?

All this trash is coming from companies which produce it. Wrappers for candy, bags for vegetables, packages for TV dinners, packages for basketballs, packages for everything!! These companies could take responsibility for the waste that they are actually creating. But how?

I think it can be done in this way: trash could be returned the companies.
Customers return the waste to the store (or people) from which they purchased the original product. The company would be responsible for picking up it's own created trash whenever it deliver goods to the store (or people).

To use an example, if someone buys a bag of potato chips, it comes in, of all things, a bag. And after the chips are gone, we have the bag. This is what would become landfill material, but instead it is returned to the store from which it was bought to be picked up. If all trash could be sent back to the source which created it, and the source then had to deal with it, I imagine companies or individuals might be faced with alternatives to creating their particular waste products, and might start to think up easier to deal with, less troublesome waste. Or just plain less waste.

If this is a good idea, I think it might catch on if it was made in to a movie, 'Super Size Me' style. The person in the movie would collect trash from their life, or 100 people could do this, and after a month, send it all back to the companies where they bought it, to show the companies the impact of it's waste on the world.

Anyway, it's good to finally get it all down on paper, I mean... on a screen, or you know. Feedback, opinions, additions, sponsorship, or bidding for the movie rights welcome. (Just kidding, it's just an idea!!)

The Annual Tamana Iris Festival is this coming Sunday. I was in Yamazaki Convenience Store(the 'Y' shop) today buying lunch and the owner told me that the first 100 women who show up to the festival in a yukata(summer kimono) will get some sort of prize. I'm lucky, because I got a yukata as a gift from my landlord's wife as a welcome present when I moved to Tamana. So, looks like I may be all dressed up with someplace to go this weekend.

Wow. I just did a Google search to try to find a pic of the iris festival, and my own blog entry from last year's other festival in Tamana ('Tawara') came up first. Weird, I've never had that happen before, my own blog coming up first in a Google search.

I'm off again. More later

Sharing time

Hello. There are three things I would like to share tonight.


The first is this new stationery, which also reminds us all of the importance of creaning our teeth daily.


The second is that it's firefly season now. Japan has 12 varieties of fireflies, two of which live right here in Tamana, or so I'm told. I went for a stroll to see them tonight, just when they were at their blinkiest, around 8pm.
I recall from my younger days that the chemicals that light the firefly's tailend are also the same chemicals in those stick thingys you break and they light up and you can wave them around, and attract other stick thingys, but not matchstick or broomstick thingys.

The Japanese have an interesting word for something that the fireflies do. The word sounds like 'Sinko-suru'('suru' meaning 'do something') Nobody knows why they do this. Can you guess what it is that they do?


Lastly, but not leastly, the third thing was an announcement at around 3 o'clock this afternoon through the city loudspeakers. Apparently there is a wild boar（'いぬしし,' I think）on the loose in town.

'G String' offers solution to troubled musician

Tonight in preparation for the orchestra concert on Sunday, we got a look at the encore piece. It is Bach's Air for the G String.The arrangement isn't on the G string(sorry to disappoint the G string fans out there ; ) ), it's on the A, which created stress for me.
I said before that I'd like to upgrade my instrument, but I still have to play on the one I've got in the meantime. And the problem it has is that it's got scoliosis, a very slight bend in the neck which throws the instrument out of alignment. And that seems to disturb the tone of the instrument, which over time has become more important to me. So tonight, while playing the Air, I suddenly knew what I had to do. I have to take out a loan or borrow money to make this upgrade. There's no point in waiting for years--if I do, my ability to play will just decline.
I got the address of one of the violin shops in Fukuoka City, and as soon as I have the chance, I'll head there to start my search for the violin of my dreams. It won't be a Strad, but it will be just right for where I need to go with music.
You might be able to help me get closer by sending infomation about taking out loans for instruments or how to find the right violin(/bow), or someplace you really think I ought to go to test some out.
Meanwhile, enjoy the cheesy midi version of Bach, and the cheesy but true story about the violin of all our dreams.

Daikon Brings Peace to Troubled Women

For a couple of months, I've been giving private weekly English conversation lessons to my landlord's daughter. These lessons have been somewhat unexciting, seeing as I hadn't really had experience doing this sort of thing and she didn't really know what she was interested to learn. Each week I'd wonder what we ought to do, or talk about, without any real sense of what was appropriate, and recently I gave up trying to do anything with too much structure.

So Saturday, on a whim, I brought a big daikon radish to her house, thinking that since she enjoys cooking she could show me how to cook it, and we could speak English during that time.

To my surprise, our lesson came alive as we spoke English and cooked together. She discovered that I wanted to learn how to cook Japanese food, and we both could see that holding our English conversations while cooking together was fun.

At the end of the hour, I suggested I drop the fee for the lessons if she would teach me Japanese cooking each week. She agreed, and harmony was restored.

This week's lesson was 'kinpira'(n.b., this recipe is different from the one we used--traditionally, gobo, or burdock, is used, but we used daikon instead).

You can see a picture of a big daikon here if you're not sure what they look like, along with a very interesting site on Japanese health and nutrition.

It's another huntsman spider... but this time it was in my kitchen. I was sitting at the table and heard a rustling amongst the packaged seaweed... man, it was shockingly big! But fairly harmless, or so I hear, so I took out a straw fly swatter, and gently sang a little song as I moved everything off the shelf and the spider into this bin...sigh...

Sand bath

Saturday morning, I took a hot sand bath in Southern Japan(a preasantly Japanese site)

Thank goodness for hot sand,
shoveled on the body by a chiseled young man and a crooked old woman

at 3 minutes, warm

at 5, the blood pulses

at 7, a first trickle of sweat

at 10, heaviness relaxes everything

at 13, ding! perfectly baked body, sweat drenched, cleansed throughout

Aikido in Everything

We ended up going to a place in the south of Kyushu, a place called Ebino, for the weekend camping trip. There were 9 of us: 5 Japanese, 2 Canadians, and 2 Americans(including me). Interesting mix; one of the Canadians was just in visiting, and the other 2 I mentioned are finishing their 4th and 5th year as special hire-ons for the JET program. One is my good friend 'Bread', who practiced in Bozeman, MT, before he came here.

Bread's a good friend, maybe my best friend here besides my boyfriend. He's totally absorbed in the Aikido realm, and he's always thinking about it. And he does a lot of research about martial arts, so I really like to talk to him and hear all about what he's currently excited about in the martial arts world.

There's another guy, who we'll just call 'Awesome Guy'(that's what we call him behind his back anyway) who also came this weekend. Awesome Guy is awesome because he is a living-breathing Aikido DUDE. He just seems to have done his Aikido homework and he has it down. He's a well-balanced, quirky guy--like the Science Guy, who was like my generation's Mr.Wizard on TV. But something very great about him, I think, is that he is an awesome teacher--super patient too. He just keeps on encouraging and exemplifying Aikido awesomeness.

So this weekend, Bread and Awesome Guy and Bread's wife all had an Aikido bonding session, while I was on the other side of the camp stove talking with some of the other people there.

I wasn't expecting to practice Aikido skills that night(and no, I wasn't attacked by anyone). But then, Repeat Sensei, who was really drunk, came and sat next to me. He told me he was really disturbed by our practice together the other night. He was trying to show me how to do the wrist-turning, fingers-curling-over part of the shihonage(four-directional) throw. But I completely tuned him out. I knew exactly what he was refering to, because I remembered shutting off when we trained. He told me he thought about it a lot afterward, and felt bad that somehow he'd been a bad teacher and all he wanted to do was help me to understand Aikido better.

I was really impressed. It took a lot of feeling and understanding to come out and tell me that he was upset by my actions. And really, I hadn't overtly done anything. Just sort of stared off into space and not really followed his instructions.
So I told him what was going on with me, which was that it can be very hard for me to understand when he instructs me using words as a means. I mean, I can't follow the meanings in Japanese sometimes, and when I ask, it always seems to stop practice, which somehow seems anti-practice. I just think I need examples; I want to be shown by feeling the other person's technique working on me, or through feeling something myself. The words sometimes drive me nuts--I just want to train and learn, so I wonder why there needs to be language involved. And that particular night, Repeat Sensei was talking a lot, just talking and not showing. So I disconnected and retreated into myself. And it was not an appropriate response, in this case.

So I told Repeat Sensei these things and also that I felt sorry for disconnecting. And we seemed to share a real moment. It felt like we understood each other, and he shook my hand warmly.

But Repeat Sensei has a funny habit, which earned him his nickname a long time again. I went to the bathroom, and when I came back, he came to me and started to tell me that he felt very sad the other night when he thought he hadn't been a good teacher to me. He went on to repeat much of the earlier conversation, pre-'shared moment'. I felt weird. So I sort of shortened my earlier response, and then he shook my hand again. I went to the bathroom again. I came back, and he came to me again, this time with the 5-year Canadian JET there to translate his words, which meaning had already been conveyed 2 times. So I understood quite fully, and was getting tired of getting what seemed like no where. After we'd shared a drink, and he started again, I finally just said "I hate words." And when I said that it seemed to really offend him deeply, and he became sad. I think maybe we just differed greatly on that particular point, and I was back to my original problem of feeling misunderstood. He seemed to have finally emptied himself of any words. We sat there in silence next to each other until Koba-chan, sensing our state, kneeled between us and gently patted our knees. She reassured us that everything was just fine, and not to be thinking too much about anything.

I saw Repeat Sensei today, and fortunately or unfortunately, we still didn't have much to say to each other. I was really impressed by his sensitivity earlier, but I think it would've been best to hold my own opinion back, and just bear my own confusion during practice. After all, he's very senior to me and he does have a good practice. But I went outside of the realm of Aikido philosophy when I couldn't let it go. I know I was the one in error. I hope Repeat Sensei and I can come to terms over time and effort. In the meanwhile, I'm going to engage myself in practice with him whether I agree with his teaching methods or not.

So even though it was a short trip, I suppose a lot happened, or came out, or something. I think I'm becoming more and more socially aloof and uncomfortable in Japanese society, and it really does effect my whole life in many ways. And I a lot of it's for fear of being misunderstood. The experience Repeat Sensei really challenged my pride, and has gotten me to look at how much more I have to give of myself to other people. That is, if I don't want to spend my life alone. I guess the first step, towards that end, as always, is to get back on the mat and try again.