Aikido in Everything

We ended up going to a place in the south of Kyushu, a place called Ebino, for the weekend camping trip. There were 9 of us: 5 Japanese, 2 Canadians, and 2 Americans(including me). Interesting mix; one of the Canadians was just in visiting, and the other 2 I mentioned are finishing their 4th and 5th year as special hire-ons for the JET program. One is my good friend 'Bread', who practiced in Bozeman, MT, before he came here.

Bread's a good friend, maybe my best friend here besides my boyfriend. He's totally absorbed in the Aikido realm, and he's always thinking about it. And he does a lot of research about martial arts, so I really like to talk to him and hear all about what he's currently excited about in the martial arts world.

There's another guy, who we'll just call 'Awesome Guy'(that's what we call him behind his back anyway) who also came this weekend. Awesome Guy is awesome because he is a living-breathing Aikido DUDE. He just seems to have done his Aikido homework and he has it down. He's a well-balanced, quirky guy--like the Science Guy, who was like my generation's Mr.Wizard on TV. But something very great about him, I think, is that he is an awesome teacher--super patient too. He just keeps on encouraging and exemplifying Aikido awesomeness.

So this weekend, Bread and Awesome Guy and Bread's wife all had an Aikido bonding session, while I was on the other side of the camp stove talking with some of the other people there.

I wasn't expecting to practice Aikido skills that night(and no, I wasn't attacked by anyone). But then, Repeat Sensei, who was really drunk, came and sat next to me. He told me he was really disturbed by our practice together the other night. He was trying to show me how to do the wrist-turning, fingers-curling-over part of the shihonage(four-directional) throw. But I completely tuned him out. I knew exactly what he was refering to, because I remembered shutting off when we trained. He told me he thought about it a lot afterward, and felt bad that somehow he'd been a bad teacher and all he wanted to do was help me to understand Aikido better.

I was really impressed. It took a lot of feeling and understanding to come out and tell me that he was upset by my actions. And really, I hadn't overtly done anything. Just sort of stared off into space and not really followed his instructions.
So I told him what was going on with me, which was that it can be very hard for me to understand when he instructs me using words as a means. I mean, I can't follow the meanings in Japanese sometimes, and when I ask, it always seems to stop practice, which somehow seems anti-practice. I just think I need examples; I want to be shown by feeling the other person's technique working on me, or through feeling something myself. The words sometimes drive me nuts--I just want to train and learn, so I wonder why there needs to be language involved. And that particular night, Repeat Sensei was talking a lot, just talking and not showing. So I disconnected and retreated into myself. And it was not an appropriate response, in this case.

So I told Repeat Sensei these things and also that I felt sorry for disconnecting. And we seemed to share a real moment. It felt like we understood each other, and he shook my hand warmly.

But Repeat Sensei has a funny habit, which earned him his nickname a long time again. I went to the bathroom, and when I came back, he came to me and started to tell me that he felt very sad the other night when he thought he hadn't been a good teacher to me. He went on to repeat much of the earlier conversation, pre-'shared moment'. I felt weird. So I sort of shortened my earlier response, and then he shook my hand again. I went to the bathroom again. I came back, and he came to me again, this time with the 5-year Canadian JET there to translate his words, which meaning had already been conveyed 2 times. So I understood quite fully, and was getting tired of getting what seemed like no where. After we'd shared a drink, and he started again, I finally just said "I hate words." And when I said that it seemed to really offend him deeply, and he became sad. I think maybe we just differed greatly on that particular point, and I was back to my original problem of feeling misunderstood. He seemed to have finally emptied himself of any words. We sat there in silence next to each other until Koba-chan, sensing our state, kneeled between us and gently patted our knees. She reassured us that everything was just fine, and not to be thinking too much about anything.

I saw Repeat Sensei today, and fortunately or unfortunately, we still didn't have much to say to each other. I was really impressed by his sensitivity earlier, but I think it would've been best to hold my own opinion back, and just bear my own confusion during practice. After all, he's very senior to me and he does have a good practice. But I went outside of the realm of Aikido philosophy when I couldn't let it go. I know I was the one in error. I hope Repeat Sensei and I can come to terms over time and effort. In the meanwhile, I'm going to engage myself in practice with him whether I agree with his teaching methods or not.

So even though it was a short trip, I suppose a lot happened, or came out, or something. I think I'm becoming more and more socially aloof and uncomfortable in Japanese society, and it really does effect my whole life in many ways. And I a lot of it's for fear of being misunderstood. The experience Repeat Sensei really challenged my pride, and has gotten me to look at how much more I have to give of myself to other people. That is, if I don't want to spend my life alone. I guess the first step, towards that end, as always, is to get back on the mat and try again.