How to Come Home

Coming home. Jeez, how am I supposed to do that?!

I don't know what I'm connected to in the US, who I'm connected with. I don't have a sense of who I 'am' there. It's absolutely strange to me. Japan seems like my home. I can't imagine the food very well anymore, how people speak, what is important to people in the US. I forget what it's like eating Mexican food all the time or being able to understand my own mail. I've become so used to it here, the goods and the not-so-goods.

I rewatched the DVD of the violin concert Etsuko put on for me last June. Two things struck me while I was watching it: first, how much could change in half a year, and how much one could grow in such a short amount of time. That was only six months ago; how much have I changed since 2004; how much have you??

The nature of living in rural Japan as a foreign person is that the other foreign people around you tend to leave eventually. So in time, I slowly shifted from spending most of my time with other foreigners to sharing friendships with Japanese (first ones who could speak English, and then to ones who could or couldn't). My three best friends here in Japan now are Japanese. Of the group of assistant English teachers I came with 4 1/2 years ago, only two of us are still here (he's from South Africa!). Everyone else went back to their home.

Now, since it's my turn (I booked my ticket today), I would like your help.

Some time ago, a friend gave some great info and including some people to contact and a DVD called "Journeying Home," about how to return to your home country after a long time away. That information has been extremely useful and I am grateful for it, so...

In the same way, please send me your info, advice, thoughts on returning home, even if you've never been through it yourself.

-How to grow healthy new relationships and revive the old ones?

-What to do if I start feeling overwhelmed, underwhelmed, blue?

-What to do with all the friends, stories, (language) and memories which might be hard for people at home to relate to?

-Finally, what would you like your experience with me to be like when we meet again?

By the way, I'd like to give a special thank you for people who have kept up with my blog until now, and especially to Don who got me to start it and Dad, who showed me his most wonderful self in our conversations through it.

Light Holes

Pre-Hollywood Garfield the Cat once said 'I'm not sleeping. I'm checking my eyelids for light holes.'

My blog looks kind of dark and shadowy, don't you think? Or like it lurks in deep sea waters? Sometimes that's how I feel, as if I move through life in shadows, as if not to be noticed too much. It could be my nature, it could be my allergy to sunlight(joke joke), however, on occasion, I do make an appearance at stage center. Sunday was one of those occasions.

My good friend Etsuko, whose name has not been changed for your amusement, goes to great lengths to give me the treatment reserved in the most part, only for beloved family. This makes sense, seeing as I call her my 'Japanese mother' and me her 'American daughter.'

So she got together a group of her most musical friends and asked them to learn a piece of music to perform with me. We consulted and made flyers, she rented a hall, her friend gathered a sound crew, and we put on a concert last Sunday. She called it 'Celebrating the Pure Joy of Music,' and she herself, just a beginning piano player, learned a piece to perform as the finale sing-along.

This concert, she told me, was to honor me and the 4 years I've spent here in this area. I'll tell you, sometimes I have a hard time looking so directly at bright lights, in this case, it's very hard to accept that people truly wanted to do something to honor what I'd done. Actually, and I'm not even being modest, I haven't really done all that much which has been very significant here, I don't think.

So I couldn't really think of the concert in that way. I emphasized it as a bunch of people I know and care about coming together to listen to and enjoy something that I also love, music. It certainly wasn't a professional production, but it was somehow a very singularly joyous occasion in my life. Through the music, I got to give something to all those people that I feel give me so much. We anticipated 50 people to show, 60 tops, but the final count was 77. Not just my friends, of course, but many more friends than we imagined. (Etsuko had made gifts for the first 50 guests--hand-sewn cloth chopstick carrying pouches)

I played in 6 pieces: two classical, two traditional Japanese(with koto!), a sing-a-long, and a Japanese pop cheesy feel-good song that made me feel good and cheesy.
There were 14 pieces total, and everyone made a good effort at their own various levels.

When we finished, I played a technically challenging piece as an encore. When I was done, I was showered with more bouquets of flowers than I could hold. I recommend the experience. I was sure to see that Etsuko got her flower showers too. I told her that she is one of the best examples in my life of how to be a great and kind person.

It strikes me that I was nervous in the morning, but not once the concert started, like not at all. And that I really got into the music. And that I didn't really make mistakes(well... not that I think other people actually noticed...). It was a different kind of thing for me. It's just not that often I get to be in my element, confident, and surrounded by people I know.

I'm surprised that I've gotten these kinds of chances, but I live in a small town on a small island. In their own way, everyone has something to offer here...

Thanks to a most wonderful friend, Etsuko, for making these wonderful memories with and for me.

Happy Day

It's been a hectic couple of weeks. A friend is in visiting from the U.S., and we went to Kyoto for a day, where I introduced her to some of my friends with whom she is staying now. I also spent a day by myself in Nagano to look at a school for music up there.

Also, I'm preparing for a concert in which I'll play some violin music and also an Aikido demonstration next month. On Sunday, I gave a speech to the International Society of Ariake and played some violin. I'm stretched a little thin, but you know what, I'm not stressed at all. I'm learning how to deal with things as they come, rather than stress over all the things I've got to do. It's a great feeling.

Finding a Calling

I never meant to let it go this long. I mean, my life is consumed by tasks such as these.

Sincerely, I've tried and failed to post many times, ignoring my computer's state of health. It's time to admit I've let my resistance to getting it fixed go on for too long, way too long. It's like, a "thing" now. Like something that I've actually avoided doing. What a sucky, adversive way to go about dealing with problems.

I realize as time goes by that there really aren't that many chances in life to really take chances, so to speak. Most of the time, I don't know about you, but my life is spent taking care of things in a kind of perpetual motion of errands, obligations, and distractions, usually a kind of 'catch-up' for things I'd meant to do, meant to watch, meant to write, meant to get fixed, etc.

Living in this way, it never feels quite satisfying because once one thing is finished, there's already something else nagging to get done. Will the endless tasks ever get done, will I ever fully embrace my infinite, scattered interests?

I don't think it's possible to do it all or finish it all; I've finally decided that. Plus, I've made too much a mess of the things I've already started by doing them half-heartedly...

Going through daily motions, taking care of things, taking care of obligations, pulling weeds and nurturing buds and watering flowers in the little garden that's grown up around me in life takes all my time. And I'm still not even very good at it! The so-called 'garden' looks so random, as if there isn't any focus.

So what can I do? Whittle down my interests? Stop taking care of things? No, that's not what I think, and you? I think that if there is something, a calling to be heard, a focus to be found or created, and if all these daily life things are being tended to, it will be much easier to recognize.

I pray that I can see it clearly when it's close at hand. That all the time spent getting myself together will have been some use in some way.

I wonder if love is growing me in its garden?? Please, can I bloom?

Keep Going

I typed about half an hour yesterday about the Mt. Fuji trip before my computer crashed and I lost everything even though it was saved. I'm not really interested in this mac anymore, but it's the only computer on which I can write this blog. Since computers aren't my speciality and I don't want to send it away to get it fixed, I'll just keep on plodding and posting when the winds are favorable.

I got elected as the MVP of my Aikido school this year. I received a beautiful certificate and was asked to give a speech last Sunday at the New Year's party. I wrote the speech by myself, and then Etsuko helped me put the thing into formal Japanese. It was so fun, and I was so excited on the way over to the party. It was a pretty fancy affair, and for me, it was the first time I've been formally acknowledged for anything besides my work contract at school. I gave my speech, and we all ate and drank to our heart's delight. Afterwards, 10 of us headed towards a nearby karaoke bar.

Karaoke, although I adore it, is not my particular speciality. I want to sing and sound like everyone else; somehow, they all seem to have perfect pitch and lovely vibratos. And 8 of these 10 of us were men. When my voice comes out, for example, as I sing Eric Clapton's "Tears in Heaven" or Dido's "Thank You," I want to sound, well, like Eric Clapton or Dido, just like the others sound like the original singers of their songs--even their English pronunciation in right on, though not a one of them speaks English. But alas, I just sound pretty regular and like I'm trying a little too hard. Karaoke is a Japanese cultural tradition, since 1963. Before that time, no one here could sing. But now people are forced to do it from the time they put on their first business suit, so they have no choice but to become really spectacular at it. As for me, I think all those guys were looking at me, wanting Dido's voice to come out of my untrained lungs so they could praise me and clap along. But when it was my own, uh..., smurfy voice that surfaced, it was all they could do to... praise me and clap along, really well-intentioned-like. Gosh, this is a nice place.

I know you're wondering about my speech. I would be too, except that I wrote it. I spoke about how quickly the time has passed and how I was honored that I could earn this award having joined the group less than a year ago. I spoke about (and I kid not) the undiluted joy I felt when we all met for the first time off the mat at the 'hanami' cherry-blossom viewing party in March.

I recalled the trip with Katsuki, Kato and Sensei to Yakushima Island last May. I congratulated Sensei and some others on their decision to come to Aikido Camp in the US this July. I welcomed the new students and wished them good luck. I thanked Furu-san for his endless help and patience. I thanked Sensei for his devotion to us, and his dedication to maintaining the heart of O'Sensei's Aikido. Lastly, I told everyone that I was so happy to accept the title of MVP for 2007. Through training, particularly falling down and getting up over and over again, I am taught how to overcome obstacles and find a spirit which perserveres. I told them to throw me a lot, as much they like after this(everyone laughed). Then I thanked the group for allowing me to speak.

Sigh... a real moment in my life.

Afterwards, my friend Shaggy was having his 24th birthday party in the city, so I joined up. I'm starting to fall in love with this particular group of friends. I told you about some of them already, but mix in a couple of us from the West with this group from the East, and there's a certain green with silver sparkles firework that goes off. We're talking fun, fun, fun, until my Daddy took the Daihatsu away. (Thanks to my brother for sending me off last summer with CDs of the Beach Boys. I'm still trying to decide what I think of one of the other ones, 'Bad Plus,' btw. Any opinions, let me know.)

Today, I taught Joe English. His name is 城, so we call him Joe. He's an awesomely enthusiastic student. And this week, he brought me organic Camomile tea, which we drank during the lesson. Last week, he brought me a bottle of sake, which we... uh... And he brought beer the week before. Um, okay, you're starting to understand why Joe is an interesting student. I've known him for almost three years, longer than I've known most of the foreign language teachers around here. He's a crazy and charasmatic 23ish-year old with two girlfriends(uh, what?) and a knack for JENGA. I'll tell him how to say a word in English, like say, "relative," and he'll do a cartwheel and refill my sake cup. He puts the 'Joe' in 'mojoe,' I'm sure(but to be safe, I'll say that I wouldn't personally know).

And I went hiking last Saturday with Ike. We went to collect huge logs of firewood from this shrine deep in the forest so his friend could make Buddhist statues out of them. It was a 'kapa' shrine; this half-turtle, half-friar, demi-god's shrine. His friend made incantations and we poured two huge bottles of sake into the mouth of the resident dragon-guardian statue. I think this statue only gets visitors on special wood-taking ceremony days like that day. We had to pulley some of the larger logs up the hills back to the car because none of other big, burly Ike-like men could lift them. Ike actually isn't burly, but whatever. It was so amusing being a part of the whole thing, and afterwards we relaxed at some natural hot springs.

And I started Japanese calligraphy lessons last week!! Yay, it's going to be great!!!


I dunno. I'm always doing stuff and getting into stuff, but I hadn't been writing about it. I needed a break for a while, I suppose. Things change so fast. I needed to catch up to all the changes, maybe.

The End of Act Three

Highly moved by requests received in the long time since we have met here, I'd like to open a new page on the journey into the face of Japan, currently, and in my life. Thank you for being patient while I was silent, and also for reminding me that whether I'm aware of it or not, this writing has significance in people's lives.

When we did last chat, life was beginning to pick up in speed. My trip to Yakushima, the island of emerald green forests and crystal clear waters, had come to an end and, having discovered a force of mystical proportions drawing me towards Sakabe Sensei, we wondered what would lay in the future. The time for waffling on the decision to stay or go was getting shorter and shorter...

Then, just a couple of weeks after, the impossible happened. My mom actually got onto a plane and came out to Japan to see me. I remember the time when she told me that she would never come, that she didn't really have much interest in seeing Japan, that it would be tough dealing with the flight and the jet lag, and wouldn't I be coming home soon anyway??

It helped that my brother came along. That was really nice and wonderful because I don't know if mom would have come otherwise. And so, we spent a week tromping about on this old island.

I pushed them through a pretty full schedule because people usually respond to high expectations, especially if they know it will be worth it all in the end. We went to the castle in Kumamoto, explored the shopping district, and ate green tea ice cream following a walk through Tamana's Iris Festival down at the canal. In the middle of the week, I drove us in my friend Etsuko's van to Aso, the heart of the firelands which is the heart of the island of Kyushu. We dined the old fashioned way, our table being the grill, our food covered with sweet miso paste.

On the last full day of our adventures, we met Furu-san in the morning, and he drove us out to meet Sensei in the city. The place he took us to meet could be the subject of a whole other post. It was an immensely huge warehouse filled with collectibles in every category, so much that they were literally spilling out of the place. From top to bottom, neatly cramped in were clothes, cards(anime, baseball, soccer, postcards, playing cards, etc.), stuffed animals(big, small, anime, realistic, movie-themed, food themed, etc.), miniatures(dolls, foods, action figures, etc.) records, etc., etc. And et cetera--you get the picture. Entirely ridiculous, as, in my experience, only Japanese have orchestrated to such an extent.

Sakabe Sensei was a little late, so we got time to browse the goods. Left our mouths watering, my brother's especially, as soon as he noticed the old and highly bizarre record collection. I, of course, got caught in the miniatures section. I couldn't stop looking at all the mini Japanese food. There were boxed lunches, king crabs from Hokkaido, the northern island, and chestnuts from our very own Kumamoto. I peeled my eyes off the mini box of monkey bananas and collected my brother from the back shelves as Furu-san called us to go.

Sensei drove us all the way down south to the Amakusa Islands, where he was born. We drove over the five famed 'Bridges of Amakusa.' We stop to look out on the fog, in the direction of Nagasaki and also China at several points along the way. We had seafood for lunch, an Amakusa speciality. I was surprised and pleased at my mother's bravery in trying the local cuisine. (An interesting point to note is that I translated the entire day, with additions by Furu-san every now and then when he could think of the English word for something. It was my first real time translating for two parties, and I was wrecked at the end, although my family says I did a fine job. I gained a new respect for what translators must go through to empty themselves of their own thoughts and be open to the interpretation of others at any given moment.)



The culmination of the trip, in my mind, was to accompany my mother back to her hotel and wish her good night from my heart, and go off to talk with my brother for several hours. If, aside from enlightenment, the next most precious gift to the spirit is relationship, then my spirit was surely bright after that night talking together. My brother, both of my brothers, in fact, are incredibly sensitive human beings, just as we all seem to be when it comes down to it. But to be able to have the slightest glimpse of his vulnerabilities and recollections of (unextinguishable!) dreams, there was no place that I felt I wanted to be than right there with my family near.

There are so many details I'm leaving out. Feel free to call me on any of them, okay bro or mom?

Thank you, you guys, for a great trip together and for enduring a long travel to get to this part of the world. To Mom, you've supported me in my life here and helped me to get through challenging times, and that you could finally end up seeing some of these things for yourself was delightful for me. You're great at bowing too, but you already know that. Jay, I get the feeling you are about to launch any day. Store up on fuel in the meantime, right? Talk to you soon.

And gratitude to those people who asked me(more than once) to keep on blogging. Please enjoy the fourth act. And my love and best to you.

Day 26 -- Rapid Changes

Yesterday, I made a transliteration of the AikiManseido("Aikido for the Whole World") creed, so I can begin to recite it in class. It's something that was composed by the Sunadomari Sensei, the head of AikiManseido and a student of Ueshiba O'Sensei(Aikido's founder). He was Sakabe Sensei's teacher, too, for a long time until Sakabe Sensei started his own dojos. You can see the original Japanese brushed here. I'm not going to try to translate it here because I couldn't do it justice in English. But I will translate the first sentence, and that is " 'Aiki' means 'the manifestation of love.' "

I go to the 53rd anniversary demonstration of Manseido this Sunday, where I hope to see Sunadomari Sensei for the first time. I'm waiting in anticipation of this event. He's something like 81 or 82 years old. I wonder what kind of demonstration it will be...

It is dawning on me how powerful this martial art's potential is to change a person.


Total minutes early: 210

Day 24 -- Review, Realign

We're in the middle of what is known here as Golden Week. It's the time of the year when the Japanese calendar has a built-in vacation, and it's traditionally been a time when my schedule is packed. Here's the review of Golden Week mid-action:

Friday, I didn't post because although it wasn't a holiday, it was a special day for the schools in the area, something like an area-wide inter-high school competition day. I went out to Tamana High School to watch the swim team. Our swim team has one member, but she's a really strong swimmer. She also has an interest in English and will be an exchange student in our sister city Clarinda, Iowa, next year. She took first place for women. Woohoo!

Saturday, Sakabe Sensei invited me to participate in his weekly Aikido marathon, in which he teaches four 1 1/2 hour classes at a community center in Kumamoto City in the same day. My allergies were terrible, really distracting, and I felt like I had a big cloud floating inside my head, but I trained the four classes anyway. There was a fifth class, but I couldn't go because it was farther away and I had made some plans for dinner with someone. Sakabe Sensei had some injury to his knee from class the night before, and he was limping, but he still taught all the classes. I have to say, I was pretty useless in helping him, sadly. He'd asked me, sort of jokingly, to teach the children's class in the afternoon, but I think he was actually serious. Me, I was thinking, "What, is he nuts?! I just started this, I don't understand it. How could I teach it?" So I just participated and felt a little foolish because I was about at the same level as these six and seven year-olds, even though I was wearing a black belt.

The mats were really hard, so I got a couple of bruises on my shoulders from rolling. My falling form had become so sloppy from lack of discipline in the recent years, and I'm really paying for it now. The emphasis in the falling in this school is on back rolling out of most everything. I have to take much more time to retrain my body to do this kind of fall. I'm wondering how I can do it. I'm tired of retraining myself. That's the problem with changing teachers--they each need you to do it their way. The thing is that I really want to do it this school's way as opposed to any other school. I just need a little more energy and time. And I wonder how I'll manage when I come home...

Sunday, I had some time to relax, and had dinner with a friend. Having relaxing time with friends, time to talk and chill out and have meaningful communication is rare, and I treasured that time with her.

Finally, yesterday, I went with a different friend to the renowned Arita Pottery Festival in Saga Prefecture. I've heard it's one of the most popular pottery festivals in the world. You can find any kind of Japanese dish or bowl you could dream of, in any price range from around 50cents (for nice stuff!) to hundreds of thousands of dollars(zillions of yen). There are hundreds of stands out in the streets, and behind them, hundreds of stores are displaying their unique styles. Kilns from all over Japan show up here; porcelin is also here. My third time here in three years, I stuck to my budget like glue and had a very nice time shopping and looking.

You guys, I'm getting off track in these last days of "30 days early." I'm still arriving early, which is good, but I'm getting up later and later. I've been skipping parts of the routine, like fixing my hair nicely, or something like that. I want to start again as if I'm on Day 1. But it's Day 24, and I was 8 minutes early.

Tomorrow, I've got one more shot to wake up refreshed and lively, and be early before I go off to Yakushima for 3 days. Yakushima is the nature-island that evoked the imagery that can be found in the movie Princess Mononoke. I'll go with Sakabe Sensei and two other Aikido fellows.

Total minutes early: 202

Days 13 + 14 -- Heroes and Lovers (and kids)

I was 7 minutes early yesterday and today. It wasn't easy, but it's getting easier still.

I appreciate the comments from Day 12. I thought a lot about them yesterday. I wonder if I could ever be someone's hero, inspire someone the way my heroes inspire me. I thought about what my heroes have in common with each other. It surprised me to notice that there are no violinists specifically among my heroes. I found it strange because I play the violin.

I also thought about if my life will be complete if I get married and have kids. More and more, I think I just want to be plain old happy, and live an uncomplicated life, whatever that is. But I also want to live life with a deep meaning and especially with a connection to my/the universe's nature. You know what I mean. I don't want to sleep through life and wait for it to be over.

I wish I could say that I've decided I'm getting married and going to have kids or not going to get married and have kids, but something there in that realm has yet to become complete for me.

Namely, I can't decide whether to stay here in Japan for another year or come home. If I stay, I probably won't get married for a while. If I come home, I expect that I will probably get married and more than likely have children much sooner. And if neither of those things will come about, I suppose I will either become a nun or a rich old lady. Score!

But I don't know what to do just now. I need some new goals because the old ones are starting to get, you guessed it -- old -- and not motivate me anymore. I have to decide what I want for the coming time. I already know no one will do that for me. It's nice to have a say for yourself!

That being said, I do have confidence that I will be at least 10 minutes early tomorrow to work. wink wink

Total minutes early: 119

Day 12 -- A New Way

I did it. 10 minutes early and done in a leisurely manner.

I have the feeling recently that my life is being cleansed. My desk at work is clean. The clutter that used to take up space in my house is gone. I know what's in my closets. There sits on my bed a pile of clean, folded clothes. The dishes are also done. Having arrived home from Aikido about an hour ago, I am also now clean.

A few weeks ago I took care of a bunch of those things I'd been meaning to do for a long time: buying a rod for the curtain across from the door, polishing my boots, making space in the front tatami room, buying a new bag for my weapons, vacuuming the inside of the car, etc. I even cleaned out my email box and replied to all those old ones that had been sitting there for too long.

So I had said before that I am full and empty. Life is full of classes and students and teachers and goldfish and mendelssohn and kanji and suwariwaza shomenuchi ikkyo ura. There are drinking parties and conveyor belt sushi bonanzas and taiko drumming games and iris festivals and castles and okonomiyaki. There is English club, Kado club, Japanese class, Sunday tutoring, Thursday night out, etc., etc., etc.

And yet, the dishes are done.

Full, yet empty.

This is a new way of being for me. It's exciting, full of potential.
I feel something as I gaze at the picture of the man sitting in the middle of his own spider web.

Total: 105 minutes early

Day 8 -- In time for tea

10 minutes early but still a little rushed. It's part of the old habit. The rushing comes right at the end, and seems to be a way of compensating for not getting up right away and therefore having to hurry at the end of the routine. I'm going to keep going and get one inch closer tomorrow.

It's spring break at school now, and the cherry blossoms are streaming down like rain. I have all free time all day in school. Most of the teachers take their vacation days during this time, so it's quiet in the staff room, but I like it. I already made the plans for classes, so I get to do whatever I like as long as I stay on school grounds.

So, what did I do today? I spent the morning studying and writing kanji. I took a walk to get my lunch and I spent the entire afternoon, from 1:30 to 5pm, playing the violin. After I came home after work, I went almost straight to Aikido. That's all I did today. I am at once full and empty. There's more I could say about that topic, but that's for another post.

Total minutes early: 75