Finally something, if only rain

I've been waiting and my day still hasn't come. Sometimes it does that and I can't predict when it will arrive. Sometimes I completely skip it. I don't like it when that happens. Sure, that saves discomfort and hassle, but I like when it's on time because it helps me keep track of my moods. When I don't get it(two weeks late) I don't know what to expect. I usually feel cloudy and zapped for energy, like today.

I'm considering telling them that I don't want to participate in the speech presentation this weekend. I don't have a damn topic, and I hate the topic of 'Your Life in Japan.' For freak's sake, that's like saying 'write about the past 4 years of your life.' And I'm tired of talking about all the differences in the cultures. I'm tired of talking about the similarities even. I just want to be left alone, to tell you the truth. I don't want to be constantly reminded that I am a foreigner. I don't know what difference it makes. I just want to live in peace, without being reminded (again) how different I am.

And I'm also having trouble looking forward to the cultural classes I was asked to teach(volunteer for) this and next week. I did it because someone asked me to. I had wanted to volunteer (finally) at the orphanage to tell you the truth! I don't want to talk about Colorado again and explain why English is important. I didn't even grow up in Colorado! I don't even care that much about Colorado or even about English!!

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed that a plague had killed 6 people in Texas, and many people thought it was the beginning of the plague that was going to wipe out humankind. I hoped that because Jmom, Jdad, and I lived so far from Texas that we'd be safe. I woke up, washed my face, went to the bathroom and looked at the clock. It was 4am. I swear I will never eat chocolate cake before bed again. Every time I totally have nightmares.

Earlier this year I formed a crush on one of my good friends. I really, really liked him, but as much as I could see, he was totally blind to it. You know what, it was okay with me. I just had to deal with the fact that he wasn't going to reciprocate, and then we could be around each other as much as I liked (^u^). It was so great. He inspired my Japanese study so much, because he himself was on fire about Japanese. And he had a billion friends, and when we all got together those were some of the best times of my life. Well, I--courageously--did have a friend of mine finally tell him, two weeks before he left Japan. Turns out he wasn't into me after all, but he liked another of our mutual friends. Whatever. It was still amazing.

Right now I don't have much more to say, except that it's raining here, and it's been raining all day.

Light Holes

Pre-Hollywood Garfield the Cat once said 'I'm not sleeping. I'm checking my eyelids for light holes.'

My blog looks kind of dark and shadowy, don't you think? Or like it lurks in deep sea waters? Sometimes that's how I feel, as if I move through life in shadows, as if not to be noticed too much. It could be my nature, it could be my allergy to sunlight(joke joke), however, on occasion, I do make an appearance at stage center. Sunday was one of those occasions.

My good friend Etsuko, whose name has not been changed for your amusement, goes to great lengths to give me the treatment reserved in the most part, only for beloved family. This makes sense, seeing as I call her my 'Japanese mother' and me her 'American daughter.'

So she got together a group of her most musical friends and asked them to learn a piece of music to perform with me. We consulted and made flyers, she rented a hall, her friend gathered a sound crew, and we put on a concert last Sunday. She called it 'Celebrating the Pure Joy of Music,' and she herself, just a beginning piano player, learned a piece to perform as the finale sing-along.

This concert, she told me, was to honor me and the 4 years I've spent here in this area. I'll tell you, sometimes I have a hard time looking so directly at bright lights, in this case, it's very hard to accept that people truly wanted to do something to honor what I'd done. Actually, and I'm not even being modest, I haven't really done all that much which has been very significant here, I don't think.

So I couldn't really think of the concert in that way. I emphasized it as a bunch of people I know and care about coming together to listen to and enjoy something that I also love, music. It certainly wasn't a professional production, but it was somehow a very singularly joyous occasion in my life. Through the music, I got to give something to all those people that I feel give me so much. We anticipated 50 people to show, 60 tops, but the final count was 77. Not just my friends, of course, but many more friends than we imagined. (Etsuko had made gifts for the first 50 guests--hand-sewn cloth chopstick carrying pouches)

I played in 6 pieces: two classical, two traditional Japanese(with koto!), a sing-a-long, and a Japanese pop cheesy feel-good song that made me feel good and cheesy.
There were 14 pieces total, and everyone made a good effort at their own various levels.

When we finished, I played a technically challenging piece as an encore. When I was done, I was showered with more bouquets of flowers than I could hold. I recommend the experience. I was sure to see that Etsuko got her flower showers too. I told her that she is one of the best examples in my life of how to be a great and kind person.

It strikes me that I was nervous in the morning, but not once the concert started, like not at all. And that I really got into the music. And that I didn't really make mistakes(well... not that I think other people actually noticed...). It was a different kind of thing for me. It's just not that often I get to be in my element, confident, and surrounded by people I know.

I'm surprised that I've gotten these kinds of chances, but I live in a small town on a small island. In their own way, everyone has something to offer here...

Thanks to a most wonderful friend, Etsuko, for making these wonderful memories with and for me.

Finding a Calling

I never meant to let it go this long. I mean, my life is consumed by tasks such as these.

Sincerely, I've tried and failed to post many times, ignoring my computer's state of health. It's time to admit I've let my resistance to getting it fixed go on for too long, way too long. It's like, a "thing" now. Like something that I've actually avoided doing. What a sucky, adversive way to go about dealing with problems.

I realize as time goes by that there really aren't that many chances in life to really take chances, so to speak. Most of the time, I don't know about you, but my life is spent taking care of things in a kind of perpetual motion of errands, obligations, and distractions, usually a kind of 'catch-up' for things I'd meant to do, meant to watch, meant to write, meant to get fixed, etc.

Living in this way, it never feels quite satisfying because once one thing is finished, there's already something else nagging to get done. Will the endless tasks ever get done, will I ever fully embrace my infinite, scattered interests?

I don't think it's possible to do it all or finish it all; I've finally decided that. Plus, I've made too much a mess of the things I've already started by doing them half-heartedly...

Going through daily motions, taking care of things, taking care of obligations, pulling weeds and nurturing buds and watering flowers in the little garden that's grown up around me in life takes all my time. And I'm still not even very good at it! The so-called 'garden' looks so random, as if there isn't any focus.

So what can I do? Whittle down my interests? Stop taking care of things? No, that's not what I think, and you? I think that if there is something, a calling to be heard, a focus to be found or created, and if all these daily life things are being tended to, it will be much easier to recognize.

I pray that I can see it clearly when it's close at hand. That all the time spent getting myself together will have been some use in some way.

I wonder if love is growing me in its garden?? Please, can I bloom?

Day 6 -- Dreams come true and Angels are real

I was 10 minutes early to work today. It was not so difficult today because I did as Sirdar suggested and laid my clothes out the night before. I also changed around the order of a couple of things in the routine to make smoother.

A lot has been happening in other parts of my life, by the way. Besides going to three parties during the weekend, I had been asked to take a second-degree black belt test at the Shoheijuku Aikikai dojo here in Kumamoto and the tests were on Sunday. I had originally set my mind towards taking the test, but as the time approached I didn't yet have the confidence I would need.

I decided that I could only take a test if I could prepare well enough, so I asked the teachers and some of the other students if they would meet with me on different days to help me prepare. The only person that agreed to do it was of course, Awesome Guy, but with just that little extra training, it wasn't enough for me to become ready. I learn a lot at the dojo, but training is slow and my body is out of shape.

Looking for other ways to train, I found a poster in the local budokan(martial arts hall) for an Aikido class that had just started in my town. Turned out the Aikido on the poster is from another branch of called Aishikan, under a larger school named Manseido. Even though the school(style) was different, I went anyway for the extra training opportunity -- so it would seem. Today I handed in my membership form and I became an official member of Aishinkan.

I have no doubt that this dojo is where I want to be. The teacher is unbelievable skilled. Each class he runs class like clockwork, and the students are all amazingly skilled also. Class moves so quickly I can hardly keep up. The ukemi(falls) are clean, mostly back rolls, but the students seem to be very flexible to many ways of falling.

I just wish I could tell you everything I've seen. My dream of meeting this sort of experience is coming true. I couldn't care less about second-degree at this point. I talked a bit with the Shoheijuku Kumamoto teacher and let him know I wasn't going to take the test. He totally didn't understand, but maybe that's because he doesn't know me very well at all. I don't care about rank. I care about learning.

So my schedule changed to training Mondays and Tuesdays with these folks, Wednesday and Saturday with the old dojo. I can add and subtract days as I like after I figure out what is best to do. I've spent many, many hours with the Shoheijuku people, and have certainly made some close friends there, so I will continue practicing there until I make up my mind what is the best way to move forward.

You know, I also want to tell you about what's been going on with my relationship with my boyfriend. The things we have come to realize together give me joy and great sorrow. If we could imagine that angels were real, I'm sure one would resemble my boyfriend. Maybe you can understand what I mean somehow. I don't mean he's cute and so nice, I mean that he is kind, decent, mature and wise, with patience and a wide-opened mind.

We were watching the cherry blossoms fall from the trees yesterday in Jagatani Park. The moments of life are fleeting like the fall of the blossoms. Maybe you can understand.

Anyway, I'm ready to wake up tomorrow and create some joy. Are you with me?

Well, I didn't get any minutes from anyone since the weekend, so we don't have to think about that just now. As for me, I'm up to 62 minutes early!

Sharing Dreams

It occurred to me that when Martin Luther King Jr. made his famous speech, that his driving motivation, his consuming obsession, and his absolute faith, came from something as simple as having a dream.

If I could be moderately as enthusiastic in creating, designing, and pursuing my dreams, no matter how big or small, if I'd succeed or fail, I'm sure I could achieve miracles. Dr. King's courage to stand in the face of ferocious fears and wicked horrors, and speak his from his soul, giving hundreds of thousands of people strength and hope, is the kind of miracle I'm talking about. He moved the nation with only his voice.

With that in mind, I'll continue working more and more towards carrying what large and small struggles I can "on the high plane of dignity and discipline." I am one of many who could find such inspiration from his example.

Dr. King's dream shows the power of vision. If only we could all dream as fully. I'm doing my best. I'm working now to remember, discover, and create my own dreams. They are not glorious, righteous, or visionary as his dreams were, but I can hope that they will one day be as pressing and pertinent to me and my little part of the world as his were to his country and his people.

To be able to be inspired by such a wonderful and brave soul is certainly anybody's honor. And that we have such a soul etched in the books as part of America's history makes me feel proud of my heritage as an American. I want to try to find my dreams and make them become realized, just as he did, and is still doing through his work's reverberations.

Finally, I want to thank the friend who sent me the speech today, because although, as he pointed out, it was given before we were even born, it's as moving and important now as it ever was, don't you think?