The Hard Post to Post

I want to tell you that I just had my two-year anniversary last weekend. Boy, it was a little bit of a tough time! I won't go into details, but we find ourselves unsure of the future as before. This is difficult for me. There have been so many times that I have wanted to really go for it, and pursue this life with him. For me though, I can barely hold on sometimes, being away, not connected to people day after day. It makes me sad just to think about it. I know it's February, and February can be a hard month sometimes because of the weather, so I'm trying to keep that in mind too.

So you are thinking, "What's the problem? Isn't everything great together?" I come up with the answer that yes, everything is great. We are working hard not to rely too much on each other, not to see each other more than a couple times in a week, to accept that we don't share the same view on most anything, and we are patient through the misunderstandings and the cultural differences.

He said the other day that he is a simple person, and doesn't desire to think too deeply about many things. I thought I wanted to be a simple person who doesn't desire to think too deeply about many things too. But there are things that linger in my life that don't let me go. Why do these things begin to turn my hairs gray?

And so if I stay, he will not, in all likelihood be joining me in Nagano. And if I come home, he will not be joining me. Of that, I am pretty sure. He worries about me and will help me as long as I am here, around Kumamoto. Jeez, I don't want him to worry about me. That's like someone staying around because they are scared something bad will happen if they leave. That means that he doesn't stay because he wants to, but because of me, my inability to take care of myself. I don't like that.

But boy, we do love each other. You build up a habit of caring for and about a person day after day, and this habit of caring is such a wonderful thing. I wish I could feel this kind of caring for all the people I know. But it takes a lot of time and effort and upkeep that I don't know how to care for everyone I meet in this way. It sure would be a nicer world over here in this neighborhood if I could figure that one out.

I suppose I'm afraid I'll forget how to take care of someone because really, I learned a lot about that from him. Being around him, hanging out with his family, who are so respectful of each other, eating meals together, he is naturally kind and relaxed. Especially those things that are really hard for me: being punctual, not taking certain things too seriously, and keeping from getting too dark from time to time, he helps me with, without even knowing. He does not have these issues, so they tend to disappear for me when I'm around him.

What do I possibly do for him? Teach him English? Cook him food sometimes which doesn't taste half as good as what his family's food tastes like? Provide stress relief? I don't know about that. Recently he's been saying I bring stress to him. It's true. Sometimes, I just feel unsettled, and I tend to bring it up, and it causes stress whenever I do that. So then I don't know what to so with the unsettled feelings.

I'll give you an example of this. The most recent time was around the anniversary. As you may know, Valentines Day here is a day where women give stuff to men. And our anniversary is just after that. Well, I thought that the anniversary was more meaningful than Valentine's Day, and so I told him that I wanted to make the anniversary more special, and would he be okay if Valentine's Day was just a small thing? He said okay. What he actually interpreted that to mean was that I was going to do something for the anniversary instead of Valentine's Day, and that he shouldn't plan anything. It all played out and I did this thing, made a big plan for the anniversary, a small but nice plan for Valentine's Day, and when it was all finished, I had this sinking feeling. I sat down on the bed and turned dark inside. He notices this. He doesn't miss it, and he always stops what he is doing to care for me.

Why I turned dark is because I had this feeling that he hadn't done anything, put any thought into our anniversary. At first, I thought maybe he was hiding some plan, but as time went on, it dawned on me that he hadn't planned anything. It hadn't been something he'd even thought to do something for. This, I couldn't understand. So, I got really sad while he was in the bathroom, and I sunk onto the bed. I wondered how this day could not be worth making a special plan for. I wondered if he thought our anniversary wasn't a special day.

I couldn't talk for a little. That's usually how it goes. Thoughts really fly through my mind, most of them critical and negative, and so I can't speak. I know those thoughts are just destructive and reactive. So I have to wait and eventually I spoke. He thought that I had said that I wanted to do the planning for the anniversary, that I was going to do something for him in lieu of Valentine's. All he had wanted to do was to watch our anniversary movie, ~~ , together. That's all. How simple of him.

So, I felt really guilty for thinking that I should get something because I did something. Originally, that wasn't how I had thought about the situation at all. I was really happy to be able to do something really nice for the two of us. But at the end there, I suppose I did hope that he had something planned, for me, for us, whatever. And so I am guilty of that. But I was simply shocked that he really thought I wanted to plan the anniversary alone, all by myself. I mean, that doesn't make much sense, does it? I just wanted to surprise him with something nice, but I guess he felt left out and like he was uninvolved because of that.(?)

Well, so that was an example of an unsettled feeling. When I write it down like this, though, it seems kind of logical, and hopefully not self-righteous. See, the thing is, I care about him, almost more than I care about myself, if you can believe that. And so when we say things to each other that damage us, I get sooo sad. I start crying just saying something mean sometimes. Some of these habits I have are ingrained so deeply...

There's more, but I think this is enough for now. Somehow, I'm glad to have sat here and written this out. Somehow, I still feel unresolved. Well, that's okay. That's plenty for now. The longest post I've ever written.

Dedication

For the past two and a half years I've been writing about my thoughts and experiences here on the southern, sometimes backwards, sometimes forwards, but always upsidedown place they call Kyushu, Japan. It's a noteworthy place, but unfortunately, I don't know much about writing. And as far as expressing its excitement, I don't know the first thing about putting that into a programming language. Therefore, I'm grateful that people stop by and read and leave comments, especially my family. The feedback, interest, and support fuel my tank.

There's one person, though, who goes an extra mile here, and that's Blu. Really, your support has been unending. I show up, and you're here, with an open ear and an open mind. Your devotion moves me, and I wouldn't be surprised if others find it moving too.

It's funny, a lot of people have asked _me_ who you are, how I knew you. Imagine that.

With respect, I'd like to dedicate these first 232 entries to you, Blu. (Raising a glass) Here's to kindness, Kyushu, and Blu...!

Mmm, 94% Chocolate

I just got the results of the 4th Level Japanese Proficiency Exam that I took back in December. They are:

listening: 88/100
reading/grammar 189/200
writing/vocabulary 100/100

total: 377/400 points
percentage: 94% correct

I'm so happy! I started with 60% on my first practice test. I worked hard and really studied, and the results show my best effort. I'd scored pretty consisently around 90% in weeks before the test, so a 94% is wild beyond my wildest dreams*!! (*Except in the dream where I score 98%, but my pencil was also made of chocolate, so they probably scored it wrong that time. You were there too, but...)

3rd level, you don't scare me!! I'm gonna chew you up and spit you out and then take you and pass you!!!
HA HA AH HAHAH!!!!!

The Value of Peanuts

It was my second time competing at the All-Valley Arao Bite-Your-Head-Off-If-You-Catch-My-Beans Competition. In local terms it's called the "bean-throwing festival," but by now I know better. Hundred of people show up at Narita Temple to celebrate the end of the longest day winter with bags in hand. It's a day of casting out the demons in our lives, and starting fresh. And Narita Temple's got a great way to cast the old away.

After some preliminary prayers, dancing, and festivities, (all of which are worth coming to watch on their own, by the way) the announcer informs us, the crowd, that we look like we have beans-on-the-brain. What can I say, it's probably true. We look forward to these little white packages, containing infinite possibilities, tumbling from the rooftop into our grasp for an instant before they fall to the ground and are picked up by a small child or bent-over old woman. We are dreaming about a new TV or a year's supply of rice, perhaps, contained within.

Amazingly enough, it was Hiro's first time doing this, but he turned out to catch like an old pro. So as the town leaders stood on the roof of the temple, tossing packages though the air, the announcer yelling at us to scream with glee even louder, he managed to catch 20 or so packages, a rice ball, a brown sugar candy bar, and about 4 packs of mixed snacks. I was happy because in my little bag I caught a big anpan, which is a stuffed roll.

If I could give the world a gift, I would invite everyone to the bean-throwing festival. It's so easy to lose yourself in the fun of the dancing, the smell of the incense, and the catapulted treasures coming right at you.

We opened up our packages one by one, looking for the number written on the paper that would send us off to claim the prize with the same number. But alas, all we found were(once again not beans) peanuts. Funny that I say it that way, because I wasn't disppointed at all. I ate my peanuts on the way home in the car, and boy did they taste like joy...