I never meant to let it go this long. I mean, my life is consumed by tasks such as these.
Sincerely, I've tried and failed to post many times, ignoring my computer's state of health. It's time to admit I've let my resistance to getting it fixed go on for too long, way too long. It's like, a "thing" now. Like something that I've actually avoided doing. What a sucky, adversive way to go about dealing with problems.
I realize as time goes by that there really aren't that many chances in life to really take chances, so to speak. Most of the time, I don't know about you, but my life is spent taking care of things in a kind of perpetual motion of errands, obligations, and distractions, usually a kind of 'catch-up' for things I'd meant to do, meant to watch, meant to write, meant to get fixed, etc.
Living in this way, it never feels quite satisfying because once one thing is finished, there's already something else nagging to get done. Will the endless tasks ever get done, will I ever fully embrace my infinite, scattered interests?
I don't think it's possible to do it all or finish it all; I've finally decided that. Plus, I've made too much a mess of the things I've already started by doing them half-heartedly...
Going through daily motions, taking care of things, taking care of obligations, pulling weeds and nurturing buds and watering flowers in the little garden that's grown up around me in life takes all my time. And I'm still not even very good at it! The so-called 'garden' looks so random, as if there isn't any focus.
So what can I do? Whittle down my interests? Stop taking care of things? No, that's not what I think, and you? I think that if there is something, a calling to be heard, a focus to be found or created, and if all these daily life things are being tended to, it will be much easier to recognize.
I pray that I can see it clearly when it's close at hand. That all the time spent getting myself together will have been some use in some way.
I wonder if love is growing me in its garden?? Please, can I bloom?
I tell of my day-to-day experiences in a funky Japanese town from my American viewpoint. This blog could also be called 'Bizarro World', 'Notes From Kyushu, a Smaller Island', or 'Teaching English in Japan: Smash Your Ego in 10 Easy Lessons."
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
Hi Jule - Food for thought -I guess getting focused comes from passion; e.g., I find myself spending much time in the kitchen, creating new, maybe one-time-only, slightly different next time dishes, when there are plenty of other things I could or should be doing. But cooking for me is fun, creative, relaxing; I don't think about anything else (read that as problems) when I'm working with food. It was the same when I used to write courses/workshops - totally consuming. Bill spends lots of time in the yard/garden bc he loves it. Hard to be focused when there are lots of interests & explorations going on. I've also learned that focusing can take determination esp. when you have to do something that's boring, doesn't bring rewards (except that then it's DONE)or painful in some way.
P.S. Saw your dad today at their house -he looks good & was excited about his solo at tonight's concert- playing Aida in the balcony of the theater.
Love, Mamacheraunt
I will give my life to learning how to live.
When I have organized it all,
when I have finally found out how to keep my Clothes in order, when to Wash and when to Mend, how to control my Thoughts and Sexual Impulses, how to raise a Family, which Friends to get rid of and which to be loyal to, who is Phony and who is True, how to rein in Ambition, and how to be Thrifty -
when I have finally learned to be closer to the nude and secret silence,
will my life be over?
(August 1971)
If I have some higher calling guiding me through the days, naturally, the choices to make every day will be very clear. Whatever leads towards finishing the 'objective' of the calling would take priority. Without that calling, or passion, or devotion, or whatever you want to call it, everyday choices seem to me, to some extent, meaningless, random.
However, once absorbed in the passion, (which is to say allowing a 'universal chaos' to coexist with 'universal order,' i.e. gardening when there are thousands of other things to be done) a kind of peace sets it. Do you feel that? What is it that allows us to focus amidst chaos?
Therefore, the mysterious last lines in Anonymous' post, 'the nude and secret silence...' Learning to organize existence into something where chaos seems orderly, but at the same time allowing the infinite unknown chaos does seem to me like an end to things. Actually, it also sounds an awful lot like 'mission accomplished.'
Hey,just offering an update to this post. I finally DID take my computer to the shop to get fixed. The estimate, however, turned out to be almost half of the cost of a new computer. So, I'm going to wait til I'm back in my own country and just buy a new one.
Anyone know something I can do with my 4 yr-old(semi-functioning) mac notebook besides trashing it?
Post a Comment